Green eggs and my boss

I do not like him, not one bit
I do not like him, that piece of shit

I do not trust him worth a damn
I do not trust him like I don't trust spam

He does not care about this place
He only cares about saving face

He kisses butt to no end
He kisses butt, yet calls them a friend

I cannot stand him anymore
I want to throw him off the 4th floor

I want to punch him in the eye
I want to scream and yell and cry

I hate him, hate him, yes I do
I need to quit before I go cuckoo.

I cannot take it another day
I wish, I wish he'd go away.

What a idiot piece of crap. Got to get off early yesterday...a whole 10 minutes early. Whoopdiddydoo! That bastard was gone the ENTIRE day who knows where while I sat here hungover and pissed off. He shows up at 5:15 pm and tells me I can go home "early". So, I went home, went to my friend's house for the party that had already been going on for hours that I should have been at hours before, and proceeded to get rid of my hangover the good ol fashioned way. Took me a while to wind down from work because I had gotten in such a bad mood, but I finally was able to enjoy myself. During the course of the night, these things happened.

Did some 80's dancing to "Love is a Battlefield."
Performed as a backup dancer for Elvis (aka my friend R).
Participated in an all-party shirt swap.
Played telephone with a ton of people and kept ending up with the phrase "Peter Pan likes it in the can."

All in all, it turned out pretty fun. Apparently, I have so much alcohol in my system (from drinking Thurs-Mon straight) that I am now immune to the hangover I should have today. Maybe I should just keep this up;) AA...here I come. Not really...AA is for quitters.

Oh

This Monday double sucks. Yes, I am about to bitch about being here at work right now while everyone is possibly still sleeping or lazing about or getting ready to start drinking. I am here at work...my boss is not here. That stupid fucko better come in today or I will personally kick his dumb ass. His laptop is not here and he NEVER takes it anywhere, so that makes me suspicious. OOOhh...if he doesn't come in today....I can't even imagine what I will do!!!

Yes, I am hungover. What would you expect for me to do on a pseudo-weekend night? Stay home? Even with the knowledge that I did indeed have to work today, that didn't stop me from consuming 3 jumbo-sized Crown and 7's. I feel like complete ass. See, we got some free tickets to see....get this...The Doobie Brothers. Now, I know some of you youngins may be asking..."What's a doobie brother?" Well, I (for the life of me) couldn't remember any of their songs. My friend wanted to know what they sang and I was at a loss. I knew that I KNEW them....I was drawing a blank. So, what do we do in this day and age when we can't think of something? That's right, we google it.

I find their discography and as I was going through it, I kept thinking "I didn't know they sang that song. I didn't know that was them." But alas, it was. And they pulled out such songs (that you may remember from such late night infomercials for Rock 'N Roll's Greatest Hits of All Time or something of the sort) as:
Jesus is Just Alright (dododododo..do do dodododo x2 Jesus is just alright with meeee, Jesus is just alright, oh yeah)
China Grove (Well, you’re talkin’ ’bout china grove....oh oh oh, oooh oooh, China Grove)
Listen to the Music (Oh oh oh, Listen to the music
Rockin' Down the Highway (Ooooh, rockin' down the highway)
Black Water (Old black water, keep on rollin’...Mississippi moon, won’t you keep on shinin’ on me)

Now (besides the last one, which I think is the best of them all) notice a pattern? There's more "oh" in these songs than in....well, Spaghetti O's. And we know those are chock full of "o"s. But it was quite entertaining and fun to dance to....especially after 3 troughs of crown and 7.

At the end of the show, we're standing there finishing drinks and people are taking pee breaks, when this balding, wanna-be-20 4o something man and his greying, 50 something friend walk up to us and say "What's the big idea looking all sexy?" Gross. Seriously man. Gross. We looked at him with amusement and a smidgen of disgust but he would not let up.

Him: You girls are hot.
Me: (blank stare....ie gothefuckaway)
Him: Where you all goin' after this?
Me: Home.
Him: Can we come with you?
Me: (Surprised and seriously grossed out) Yeah, I'll meet you there (laughing)
Him: Come on, I'm a 40 year old man with lots of assets and I need someone to take them from me when I kill myself from partying.
Me: What kind of assets?
Him: I own property all over the place, own a bar, 5 houses...lots of stuff. I always get excited when I see young girls looking all hot.
Me: You are a pig...that is wrong. So wrong.
Him: Like 14 or 15 year olds...ones that look like they're 20 or so...damn. That's why you girls are so hot.
Me: Sorry buddy, looks like I'm too old for you (totally disgusted and trying to get away)
Him: Well, can I have a hug?
Me: Nope...sorry. I don't just give away hugs to anyone (especiallynotgrossdisgustingpervslikeyou).
Him: Come on, I'm harmless.
His Friend: He is harmless...like a teddybear.
Me: My hugs are sacred and not free to the public. Gotta go.
Him: Well, at least come by my new bar. It's (in the slummiest part of town). Come by.
Me: Yeah, we'll be right there.

What a disgusting piece of trash. Other than that though....it was a blast.
And that, my vacation day friends, is all she wrote.

Triumph

I'm sure many of you know who Triumph the Insult Comic Dog is, right? Well....for those of you who can't stand Star Wars or like to laugh at the Star Wars geeks...you will get a big kick out of this (scroll down and click on ROFL.STARWARS.NERDS.wmv). That's my cheap Friday late ass post. Everyone have a great Memorial Day weekend! Me, mine will suck, but whatever. C'est la vie!

Professor Knowitall

I've decided what I want to be when I grow up. I'm going to be a Professor. A college Professor that is. A nurterer and molder of young minds. A bringer of knowledge. A giver of grades.

How many kids could I get to believe every word I say? To hang on my every thought? To follow me around the room with their eyes and their minds?

Think of how many kids I could instill my knowledge upon. I could unteach them everything they ever learned before...because let's face it, their teachers didn't know anything. I know it all!

I could use the lines my teachers use to use....you know like "Look at these tests...not one of you passed! You guys couldn't even pass gas!" Even if people in the class did pass, I would fail them just so I could say that.

I'd make up my own grade scale and then change it all the time. I teach a class in history and then make them read fiction novels and make them believe they were true. I'd teach philosophy and talk of great philosophers like Homer Simpson and Play-doh. I'd teach a class in architectural design and make them use the etch-a-sketch.

Oh, I can't wait to start my new endeavour!! Think of all the young minds I will be able to screw with so they don't take all the good jobs and so when I get fired from being Professor Smartypants, I still have a chance at employment. Ooh, and then when my ex students come to me for a job I can say "What are you kidding? You don't know anything. Hell no I won't hire you....dummy."

Quick on the uptake

Ok, remember what I was talking about here? Well, I knew it would catch on quick!! Check this out. Talk about fast...today is BOB DAY!

I just had to post this...I mean, that's too perfect. So to everyone everywhere...HAPPY BOB DAY!

On another note, is it me or is this week just dragging? Yeah, I know it's Thursday but it has taken forever to get to this point and it's not even Friday yet. And to all of you peeps who get Memorial Day off (like normal people) enjoy your day. I'll be at work because my job sucks.

Barefoot socks "friend's mom"

That's the search term that brought someone to my blog. Uhhh....what in the hell does that even mean? What was that person really looking for? And how in the hell does that phrase occur on my blog? Don't know really. I was also found when someone searched for the "50 states and capitals"...I don't even remember posting about this stuff. Anyway...

Once upon a time there was an annoying little girl. This annoying little girl (ALG) just happened to be in the same movie theatre as Princess BelKel(name changed to protect the innocent) when the princess went to see a certain movie... we'll call it War Stars. Now, by the behavior of ALG you would think she showed up at the theatre solo (no, not Han Solo...Sans Han, wtf am I talking about?) but in fact, ALG was with annoying-mother-who-doesn't-pay-attention-to-her-kid-and-lets-her-cell-phone-go-off-in-the-middle-of-the-movie (here on known as AM) and grandfather. ALG spent the ENTIRE movie hopping up and down the stairs near princess BK and her friend. Sliding down the railing. She had on those damn shoes with the lights that flash on and off. She was making noise. I have never wanted to hurt someone so badly in my life. Fantasized about saying to AM "Oh, you got your tickets for free?" AM "No." "Well neither did I...so tell your kid to sit down and watch the movie or leave!!!" It was one of the worst experiences of princess BK's life and I've never seen anyone as stupid as AM. The End.

This is the story of Subway man. Subway man pissed me the hell off today. See...I drive into the Subway parking lot and this bastard zips right in and parks next to the spot I was going for. No biggie right? Wrong. He parked so bobbed up that I couldn't get into the space next to him. So, Subway man gets out of his car, decked out in black turtleneck, black pants, and black jacket (it's over 100 degrees today, wtf?) and holds his hand up for me to stop so he can walk in front of my car. Yep. The nerve! So then I park way far away and walk in the smoldering heat to whet my appetite. Get in and of course he's in front of me, taking FOREVER!! Not only that, but he got the last of the wheat bread and they had run out of turkey! Who the hell runs out of turkey?! Of course, that was the sandwich I wanted and Subway man got the last of those. Then, of all the tables in the entire Subway that were open...he takes the table by the window, the one I always sit at when I eat there, the bastard. I hate Subway man.

I'm a multi-slacker

Some people multi-task...I've been multi-slacking all day. It's nice.

It has taken me too long to post this, so now since I was tagged by the ever-so-lovely V...I will finally oblige.

Films

Total number of films I own on dvd?
Not sure, about 12?

The last film I bought?
Garden State and Napoleon Dynamite (together)

The last film I watched on TV?
Office Space (LOVE this movie)

In the cinema?
Kicking and Screaming (Will Farrell is hilarious)

Five films that I watch a lot or mean a lot to me.
1. Love Actually...I just love this movie and it gives me the warm fuzzies.
2. The Exorcist...I'm a horror movie freak and can't get enough.
3. Garden State...Need I even explain?
4. Napoleon Dynamite...Again, no explanation necessary except that I absolutely LOVE this movie.
5. The Last Time I Committed Suicide...If you have not seen this, I highly recommend it. It brings back memories of people and times long gone.

Honestly folks, I can't really shorten it to 5...I watch movies on a constant basis over and over and over. I love movies and can never get enough. I watch them every chance I get. I feel like I've left so many out (and I have) but those popped into my head.

Thank you, please drive through.

There is so much running through my head right now, I can't even focus on one specific thing. I feel a bit stressed, sad, loopy, tired, and bland all at the same time.

Not sure where each feeling is stemming from, but here's my analysis.

Stressed:
In a nutshell, my job. I mean, not so much that I'm going to lose it (my job that is, my sanity I just might) because really I'm at a point where I could give 2 shits. I hate my job as you know but not the job itself, but where I'm at and how I'm working for. The type of job and the stuff I have to do (most of it, not the bitch stuff) I like. Recently, we've pretty much had our entire management staff replaced....except flaky, stupid boss. Why? Because he kisses ass like nobody else. I know he's living in constant fear though. I've just been so much busier lately and have had so much more to do it seems and I'm feeling the stress. Apparently by Friday, spring cleaning will be done and we'll know who's here to stay.

Sad:
This is a tougher one. I think I'm sad because really my life sucks right now. My professional life and my "love" life. Waa waa... I know. I'm not like completely depressed or anything, I just get like I know we all do at times. We watch a movie or read something or whatever and see other people happy with their lives, jobs, significant others and we envy that. We want it. Grass is always greener syndrome I suppose. I guess my problem is I always feel like I'm waiting for something. No one can make something happen for me but me. Still, I know this and sometimes I'm totally fine...and then I have my sad days. Guess this is just a sad day.

Loopy:
I really don't get where this is coming from...I guess kind of like a delirious type feeling that gives you the sillies. I feel a little ridiculous. I too am wondering how I can feel silly and sad at the same time...don't really know. It's just kinda there, lingering in my rearview mirror. Popping into my peripheral every so often. The wave of ridiculousness. Like when I walk through a certain dept here and this guy (that always tells me I walk too fast thus walking "loudly")happens to be at the front, so I stomp my way through...making my footsteps especially loud and hard, just to be dumb. It makes me laugh, don't really know why.

Tired:
The tiredness probably comes from staying up late last night to go see (here it comes) Revenge of the Sith. I won't say anything else about it except I thought it was good, and a bit depressing (maybe part of the sadness too?). Yeah, I KNEW he becomes Darth Vader but I was still sad about it. Anyway, that's why tired.

Bland:
This could be a combination of all the feelings at exactly the same time? You know, like when you mix a bunch of different colors together and you end up with this gross brown? Maybe that happens with emotions too? I just feel like I don't give a crap about anything right now, you know? Nothing is fun, nothing to be excited about, nothing is interesting. I feel zombiefied.

So there you have it. That's me today and I could go on and on and ramble about things, but I think that's enough for now.

S-M-ooth

I just wish I could be in a professional situation and not come out looking like a retard sometimes. I mean, it doesn't happen all the time....or really often at all, but just at inopportune times.

Friday.
Lunch.
My boss, 2 women from the TV station, me.
Nice restaurant, one I frequent.
Appetizer- Jalapeno Cheese Dip (awesome).

So, they order the appetizer and it's one that I always get. I have a way I eat certain things...with this one if you add the Jalapeno Tabasco to it after you dip the chip in it, it's oh so savory. So, I'm sitting there talking to everyone at the table about super professional stuff. My boss had ordered a Heineken. So, I grab the Tabasco and pour it on my chip....except, it's not the Tabasco at all. It's the bobbin' Heineken! Yep, totally poured my bosses beer ALL OVER MYSELF!

Hey, what can I say...they're in the same color bottle. I wasn't paying close attention. He had put his beer in my Tabasco space. Everyone at the table and all nearby tables were laughing hysterically. Yes, even me. I actually could not stop laughing for a good 5 minutes. See, once I start laughing, it's really hard to stop. And when I do stop, if I think about it again a few minutes later, I'll bust out laughing again. My boss just looked at me like "What in the hell are you doing?" He didn't realize I had been using the Tabasco and so was totally flabbergasted at my beer move. Classic. There went my credibility!!

If you get confused, listen to the music play

Amberlynn passed me the torch and so now it's my turn!

1. Total volume of music files on my computer?
I don’t know. I lost most of my music in a computer crash. I had a TON of music, although I'm really really bad at estimations. I had most of it burned onto cds, but all of it was lost from my machine. That'll teach me to backup!

2. The last CD I bought was?
I recently went on a CD shopping spree. I bought:
In between dreams- Jack Johnson, Guero- Beck, Live at Myrtle Beach- Widespread Panic, Live from Mars (my first one was ruined)- Ben Harper, The Hustle- G Love and Special Sauce, O- Damien Rice

3. Song playing right now:
Rodeo Clowns- G Love and Jack Johnson

4. Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me(in no particular order):
1. Pilgrims- Widespread Panic
2. Let's Stay Together- Al Green
3. Crush- Dave Matthews Band
4. Blue Sky- The Allman Brothers
5. Cocoon- Jack Johnson

5. Which 5 people are you passing this baton to, and why?
1. Luke- Because I know he is a music freak
2. That Girl- I know all of her answers will include DMB;)
3. Martini- I know she's got some good taste
4. Blue- Because I'm interested to know the range of what he listens to
5. V- Because she seems so diverse in her music choices...I'm just curious about her favorites.

Keep in mind that you guys don't have to do this. I won't get my feelings hurt:) I mean, fine be that way;)

I have a new word

So, I discovered a new word this weekend that could be used just like fickin', or freakin', or friggin', or fuckin'. And any variation of those words. My new word? Bob.

I know what you're thinking.

"KelBel...Bob isn't a new word. Bob has been around for ages...and not only isn't it a new word, it's also a name that has been around forever."

Well, you would be right...sort of. You see, in the sense that I will be using it, it is totally new. How did this come about, you wonder? I'll tell you using (of course) the dialogue which brought about this new word that kids will be using all over the world in no time.

I'm sitting with my (guy)friend who came in town this past weekend. We have been friends for about 8 years and tend to act a little ridiculous around each other, and usually our comments are filled with sarcasm. We were talking about stupid things that we could do (stupid things that have no significance and are pretty much pointless).

Friend: Check it out, I can whistle while moving my ears and eyebrows (who cares right?)
Me: Very proud of you.
Him: What?! (flabbergasted)
Me: (puzzled) I said, "Very proud of you."
Him: Oh, oh ok.
Me: What did you think I said?
Him: "Very Bob of you."
Me: Very Bob of you??? That doesn't even make sense! (In a mocking voice) "That was very Bob of you."
Him: That's so stupid.
Me: Actually, I think I'm gonna use that. Think about it, it could become the new slang word. Kids all over the world will be like "Hey man, that's bobbin'. That's like, totally bob."
Him: You are so ridiculous.
Me: No, seriously! I'm totally using it now.

And I have been using it ever since. It's a word that can be used in any sense. Like instead of staying "That's so freakin' cool..." they'll be saying "That's so bobbin' cool." It's gonna stick I tell you. And then, when everyone becomes accustomed to it...I'm gonna change it. That's how I will rule the world. HAPPY FRIDAY!!

Times....they are a changin'

Whoa Nelly!! Talk about "Who moved my cheese." Moved it? I think someone ate that nasty, foot smellin', hunk of rotten milk. I can't even find it.

See, things are advancing at a rapid pace around here. Changing, moving, evolving...so to speak. Now, I'm not allergic to change...as a matter of fact, I kinda like to change things up every so often to break the monotony. Problem is, is this change for the better? For me anyway?

New guy comes in, new General Sales Manager. My boss likened him to Jesus practically. Whatever. Apparently he's good. Thing is, the owner of our company really has the final say in what happens around here. Or at least he did until yesterday when this guy came in.

So this new GSM is making changes left and right. We're going to do this this way and that that way, yadda yadda yadda. We're going to revamp the way we market, change the way the ads look, and blah blah blah.

"Uh...ummm...hey boss, isn't that our job? Aren't we the ones that have been doing that?"

See, traditionally businesses in this industry do not have an in-house advertising agency. It was a new thing they are/were trying. Typically, the GSMs design the ads, come up with campaigns, and they have a 3rd party agency that does all the artwork and TV and radio spots. Now, since this guy is so used to doing it his way, and he has in fact been given free reign to do whatever the hell he wants, now I fear for my job. I saw on my bosses computer that he was working on his resume. Interesting. (No, I wasn't snooping. My computer was acting up. Well, it just happened to be glaring at me as the most recent document being worked on.)

Funny thing was, my boss was the owner's lap dog. I think that's why he's been kept around. Now that the owner got a new prize puppy...the mutt that is my boss may be out on the streets. Now, where does that leave me? Don't know. I have some valuable assets that might force them to keep me here (until I can find another job, that is. I don't care about this one except as a means to pay bills while I look elsewhere) so I'm not really sure where that leaves me. I do the Web stuff and I'm well-versed in our CRM software. No one else knows how to do this. Does that give me a sense of security? NO.

This place doesn't give two shits about their employees. I can tell you that much. I don't care about losing this job, just about losing it before I can replace it. So I'm not confident that GSM sees our department as a necessity. He's been somewhere and been very successful without an in house agency. This company has been very successful in the past without one. We are pretty much expendable. And under scrutiny.

Now, the majority of this is speculation. I could be inventing my very own "conspiracy theory", but I don't think so. You know that feeling? THE feeling. I've got that. I'm just trying to do all that I can to portray a sense of importance right now, and get out while I can.

This is not the kind of change I like. Not when the change is me and the unemployment office is the vending machine. Surprisingly, I'm not super stressed or freaking out. I'm pretty much "whatever" about the whole thing. Guess I just gotta see what happens. If I panic, then I won't act in an educated way. I'll just go with the flow:)

Bitch Duty

Oh yes kiddies, bitch duty has begun. Well, kind of anyway. Now, when I say "bitch", I don't mean it in any of the following terms:

bitch (bch)n.
1. A female canine animal, especially a dog.
2. Offensive.
a. A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.
b. A lewd woman.
c. A man considered to be weak or contemptible.
3. Slang. A complaint.
4. Slang. Something very unpleasant or difficult.

When I say "bitch" I mean personal slave, errand girl, basically I do anything anyone asks me to just short of wiping ass. So, I hate my job more intensely than anything I've ever hated....ever.

The guy from the newspaper is bringing me an application and is going to push my resume through to the director. So, cross your fingers people. Maybe in a few weeks I can have my very own, brand new bitch...instead of being someone else's.

BTW, I apologize in advance for sounding like a whiny little brat but I'm about to lose my mind and go postal on this mutha. Thanks for understanding:)

What do you DO here?

I know every so often I post a bitch about work, my boss, the people here, the money (or lack thereof)....this post is no different.

So yesterday I get out of my meeting and my boss walks up to me. I know I post lots of conversations but frankly, who gives a crap;)?

Him: We need to find out what (bitchface who is pregnant and leaving and is a clerk...here on referred to as just bitchface) does.
Me: WE need to find out what she does?
Him: Ok, you need to find out what she does.
Me: And why is that?
Him: So that when she's gone we will be able to still do what she's doing.
Me: WE huh? Are you trying to tell me that I'm taking this over too????
Him: Well, maybe.
Me: Oh, no. That's fine. I'll just go ahead and do the jobs of 4 people. That's cool really. I have all the time in the world. Oh...and PLEASE don't pay me anymore. I couldn't possibly ask for anymore money. I wonder how many jobs I can take on actually? You know what we should do?!?! Let's fire all the salespeople too!! We don't need them, I mean I'm here. I can do everyone's jobs! Wouldn't that be great?! And I could work for FREE!!!
Him: (just staring at me blankly) Oh, well....uh. This is the perfect opportunity to get more money.
Me: WHAT? That is such crap. You know as well as I do that I'm not going to get shit. This is ridiculous.

So now kids, my official job title at work is Web Manager Client Relations Manager Marketing Administrator Clerk. Has a nice ring to it, no? I think I might just shorten it to "Bitch" though. Sounds closer to the truth. Bitter much?

Sometimes I wonder....

If all the stupid people in the world have been round up and dropped in this city. I guess I know it's not true because you guys encounter stupid people all the time.

In an attempt to take my friend from out of town to get the best mexican food in the city, we encountered a real genuine member of the species Idiotus Stupidus Ignoramus. Now folks, don't look too close and try to shut your ears because the sound that originates from this genus of the species will not just hurt your ears, it will hurt your brain. You cannot watch their mouths for fear that your fist will inevitably be attracted to this region of their face. It's frowned upon to punch this species only because of their nature. It's a sad, sad state.

So, after going to about 4 different restaurants...all of which closed at 8:30 or 9:00 on a Saturday (WTF is wrong with these people?) I decided to call a place to find out how late they were open. It went a little something like this:

Her: Hello... thank you for calling (name of restaurant). How can I help you?
Me: Yes, how late are you open tonight?
Her: Open?
Me: Yes.
Her: Tonight?
Me: Yes.
Her: Midnight.
Me: Midnight?
Her: Yes....No 7:00.
Me: 7:00 (I look at my watch that says 8:50 pm)?
Her: Yes, 7:00.
Me: So you're closed?
Her: No.
Me: How late are you open tonight?
Her: 7:00.
Me: What time do you close?
Her: Midnight.
Me: So you're open until Midnight tonight?
Her: We open at 7:00.
Me: Ok, thanks.

Holy shit. I don't think anyone that dumb has kept me busy for so long. I mean, I normally would have hung up by the middle of that conversation. I guess what confused her was the "open" in "how late are you open". I guess next time I know not to confuse the species with my fancy language. Geez.

Some fools never learn

I must sound like some kinda lush. At least, that's what they were telling me last night.

What was the occasion? It was Thurs Day! Need I say more;)? Actually, there's this big golf tournament this weekend (Ray Mickens Champions Fund) and so like 12 former and current NFL players were out at a sports bar here making an appearance. So we made an appearance to get a look at some of these guys.

They all sat and signed autographs and stuff and we just drank and tried to figure out who was who. I know Tony Tolbert was there, and Dat Nguyen, Anthony Dorsett, and some other people I didn't know. We had some beers and took some shots.

So, we're about to leave and there was this guy who had been making "eyes" at my friend the whole time. We get up and he flashes her his pearlies and she reciprocates. And then she leaves. And we're standing outside and the guy is still totally staring at her! So I tell her to go talk to him. She freaks out and can't do it. So I take my friend Richard (who is gay) and go back in. Then I don't have a speech prepared, and this is so 7th grade (Do you think my friend's pretty? Check yes or no) so we walk right past them and go to the bathroom. Prepare something to say, come back out, and....they're gone. Oops. Shit. Oh well.

We go to some other bars and have some other drinks, lots of other drinks. We hit 4 more bars I believe, with a few drinks at all of them. Fast forward to last bar. I was drunk. I didn't even want another drink. I just wanted the sweet, beautiful taste of good ol H2O. So, my friend and I sit at the bar. Here's the way we think:

Her: I feel bad just ordering water, taking up bar space.
Me: What do you want to do?
Her: Should we just order one drink and share it?
Me: Ok, or we could get shots, they're small (WTF?)
Her: Ok, what should we get?
Me: Umm...something not too strong. How about an Oatmeal Cookie?
Now, for those of you who don't know what an Oatmeal Cookie is...it has Butterscotch Schnapps, Bailey's (not too bad but probably not the best after all the other stuff), Firewater (ick!), and Jagermeister (ick!). Yeah, that's smart.
Her: Ok!

So, since we felt SO bad ordering water we ordered shots with each water. Now, if the irony is missed by you, let me 'splain. The fact that I needed water at all means that I definitely didn't need a shot. But we had a couple.

Then, what do you do when you're wasted and done for the night? Go EAT of course! Stupid stupid stupid. First of all, my friend's brother orders a pitcher of margaritas! WTF? So, we gorged on chile con queso, tortillas, chips, salsa, and fajita tacos. And margaritas. I don't really remember anything after that. My friend told me I just kept saying "I can't move, I think I'm dying." Yep, one of those nights.

And here I am, hungover again. Surprise surprise! I had to go and pick up newspapers and they gave a stack of whole newspapers vs. just the section we're in. I'm lugging what felt like 100 pounds of newspaper down the street in downtown trying to make it to my car without falling into oncoming traffic. Our sales rep at the TV station told me she could smell the liquor. Grrrrrreat! I didn't even leave my house this morning until 8:40! I can't wait 'til today is over!!!! Martini, I'm counting down with you but for different reasons obviously;) 5 hours and 45 minutes!

Oh shit, I just remembered it's Friday the 13th (imagine scary "ree ree ree" music).

I've got serious problems

I mean, I know I tell you all about dreams I have. Some are stupid, some are weird. Well, this one is just plain...I don't know what. I'm warning you.

So my dream began fairly normal. I was at my friend's house and we were just hanging out. Then my ex boyfriend (from like 9 years ago) shows up. We're all talking and then he starts trying to kiss me. I'm backing up, he's coming towards me. Locks onto my lips and then starts to grab my chest. I push him away and then we kick him out. Semi-normal I guess. Now, here's where it get's crazy.

So, the guy won't leave me alone. He's calling, he's following me, leaving notes on my car, etc. So what do I do to try and make myself resistable to him? I have a penis implanted on my knee. Yes, you read right. I said penis.

My friend's mom's friend did it. In the backyard. I don't know where this penis came from, but there it was, bright as day, on my knee. It was the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It was so real. And it was consta-erect. I mean, of course I don't know what it feels like to have a penis (not attached to me, I mean;)) but this was crazy! So, the guy comes over and I'm like "Hey, look what I got!" He looks at it and did he shrink away in disgust? NO! He's like "Whoa, that's crazy. Cool!" Uh, ok freakazoid.

So, I'm sitting at home and there it is...sticking out of my knee like some horrible monster (no offense guys) and I started FREAKING out. I was thinking "Oh my god, I'm never going to be able to wear shorts or a skirt again." I'm like a circus freak. WTF was I thinking!! So, I go back to my friends house and tell my friend's mom's friend that she needs to get this shit off me quick.

She says she'll try, but doesn't know how to undo an implant...only how to do one. I said I didn't give a crap, just do whatever. So, she gives me an epidural? I mean, I've never had a baby but I don't know that an epidural would be necessary for this type of operation.

Then, she cuts open my legs and underneath my skin I'm a robot. I know you think I'm making this up, but I'm freakin' serious. So then she's zapping wires together and stuff and I'm feeling little jolts of electricity. Then all of a sudden, the penis just falls off like it was glued on there or something.

What the hell is wrong with my head that I have this absolutely insane dreams!?!? Maybe someone spiked my fruit bowl.

The day we've all been waiting for!

Today is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:
Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?
Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?
Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?
Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce today as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me

Don't you just hate it when you purchase a brand new Honda and come to find later on out it's really a Pinto in disguise?

I was watching some late night TV last night...I think I landed on the SciFi channel. Anyway, I saw this commercial for something that I really thought was a joke. You know, like those Saturday Night Live spoofs and you're waiting for the punchline? Well, the punchline never came. It displayed a Website, so I thought "I better check it out...see if they weren't just messing with people."

Oh no, folks. This shite is the real deal. I just don't get it I guess.

I mean, how stupid are we in this nation that people can fool us by painting some stripes on a VW Rabbit and make us think that it's something else? I've never heard of such madness! Who are these people that are getting fooled and who are the geniuses that knew they could get away with this trickery?!

So, the commercial last night shows the difference between the real MINI and the imposters. The real MINI could fit into tight parallel parking spaces...it showed the fake attempting to fit in the same space. Did it? NO! It showed the real MINI on the crash course weaving through the cones with agility and grace. The counterfeit? It knocked the cones down! It shows the counterfeit doing the crash test...and it totally explodes! There's a DVD that shows you how to tell the difference!!!

Seriously people...these fakes look absolutely NOTHING like a MINI. I just couldn't believe it wasn't a joke. They even showed some guy in one of those chop shops or whatever, talking about it. What is this world coming to?

Does this mean I can put some fancy gadgets on my old 1988 Chevrolet Sprint and pass it off as one of the new hybrids?

Disclaimer: Now I realize that no matter what, this has to be a joke because there is no way that people can be so stupid that they think these are MINI Coopers. At least I hope it's a joke somehow.

Doodle-oodle-oot

You know, like on "Wayne's World" when they go into a dream-type sequence or a flashback? Well, here's a flashback from my high school years because my friends and I were talking about things last night and it brought back a rush of memories.

Doodle-oodle-oot, Doodle-oodle-oot, Doodle-oodle-oot:
Time: Junior year of high school
Place: Going from my house to my friend Sarah's house
Scenario: We were having one of what we called our "dyke parties"(now, don't get the wrong idea...it was just because all 12 of us girls got together for a slumber party, and yes, that does say Junior year. Hey, we had to make time for the girls and leave the boys at home!)

My friend L and I were going to go over to (aw, hell I'll just use her name) our friend Sarah's house. Now, Sarah was what we liked to call prudish. She didn't ever try any drugs, didn't have sex, only drank on occasion. We all had experimented, and were currently indulging in the occasional hit from the bong. I admit it;)

SO, Sarah didn't like it when we were high around her. She said it made her feel like it was because we couldn't handle her sober. It wasn't that, it's just that her quirks were more hilarious when we were high (vs. annoying). Like, she planned out her outfits a month in advance...we're talking from socks to shoes all the way up to the clip she was going to wear in her hair. Totally coordinated. Very anal. Ok, so on with the story.

So, L and I decide that before we go to Sarah's house we'll have a few hits. So we partake and then proceed to drive to Sarah's. As we're driving, we started realizing how pissed she was going to be. We could already hear the shit we were going to catch.
Then, we of course realize how cool and nonchalant we are.
Me: We can play it off right?
L: Yeah, we're cool. She'll never know
Me: Yeah, we're cool.

We spent the entire rest of the car ride talking about how cool we are and how she'll never know.

So, we get to Sarah's house and she lived in one of those gated communities. She buzzed us in and was always in the habit of meeting us outside when we drove up. So, we drive up and get out of the car. She walks up to us. Here's how it goes.

Sarah:Are you guys stoned?
Us in Unison: NO!
Sarah: Yes you are!!
Us: NO we're not!!
Sarah: Well, then what's this?!!

Sarah pulls the biggest bud off of L's shirt. How we didn't notice that the entire time that we were talking about how cool we were that we could play it off, I have no idea. But we busted up laughing. I think I peed a little. I'm talking rolling around on the cement, crying laughing. Then I noticed Sarah wasn't laughing. Which made me laugh harder because...that's pretty damn funny really. Of course we told her what happened and the conversation, and she still didn't laugh, but we couldn't stop. Eventually she got over it...I think she finally forgave us about 3 years later;)

It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's ???

Last time you checked in on our heroine, she was on her way to a baseball game. Did she and her friends make it? Did she and her friends get their drink on before the game and decide to go out and party instead?

The answer is b) she and her friends got their drink on before the game and decided to go out and party instead.

She and her friends drove all the way across town to go to a restaurant that has another location not 2 minutes from her house. What brought on this madness?

The original plan: Have some dinner and drinks before the game at the restaurant right next door to the stadium so they wouldn't flake out on the game.

The actual occurence: They were having too much fun drinking and the wind was too much. They drove all the way back across town to go to a bar.

When our heroine and her friends get to the bar (after pit stops at each person's "headquarters") the buzz had gone a bit stale and everyone was tired. Until the shots came and the bar started to fill up.

Then came Karaoke. And the bet. And the voice that trembled and then gained confidence.

Karaoke is something our heroine never really participates in. Only witnesses it for entertainment purposes. Until the game began and the drink was flowing. And our heroine's friends began to offer $5 for every song sung. Not that our heroine is hard up for money, mind you, but who would pass that up.

The conditions: They got to pick the songs and she just had to go up unknowing.

Luckily they were kind. Our heroine sang "Nobody" by Sylvia and "You're so Vain" by Carly Simon. I must say, she did a bang up job. The crowd cheered. Despite the heart palpitations, the face that turned beet red, and the initial slight tremble in the voice...she was a hit.

Our heroine celebrated with drinks (and drinks and more drinks!) and dancing the electric slide (which she had never danced before) and did some bootyshakin' as well. Good times were had by all and our heroine made it safely home.

Take me out to the ballgame

Well, I'm getting ready to go to a baseball game...yeah, I know I said I don't like baseball but we got free box seats and there's lots of beer, and hotdogs, and hopefully some hotties? I know one of the guys that does marketing over there who got me the tix and said to come find him and say hi. If I don't, he'll hunt me down. I like the sound of that;) He's pretty cute, but since we do business w/them, I don't wanna screw it up. But if I do, screw it! Well, if you're looking for something to do and you like movies...I recommend going to see "Crash". I thought it was a great movie and I went in not having any idea what it was about. So, that's it. I just had my sushi fix and now it's time to get ready to see the Diablos get their butts kicked by some random team that I've never heard of. PLAY BALL!

Holy Guacamole!

Not to be confused with Martini's ever-so-popular "Holy Cannoli". The Guacamole is staying with the "Cinco de Mayo tradition".

So yes, I went out last night.
I indulged in all of the Mexican bebidas that I think so highly of.
I ate 2 (yeah 2...although hours between them) Chile Relleno burritos, compliments of the burrito man and my friends with cash.
I met an English guy who was making me laugh so hard, partly because when he was talking I had flashbacks of trying to understand "Snatch" again.
The English guy spoke to my friend who just kept saying "I don't understand you." Then we would all laugh.
Met an old man sitting at the bar who kept dragging the bartender over everytime I came up to get a drink, but not before he'd say "Another drink already?"
Bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one and gave the rest of the pack to my smoker friend.
Met a guy while waiting for my drink, who's first words to me were "I don't know anyone here." So, I said, "You do now".
Said guy was a cutie and from New Hampshire and has only lived here for a month. Doesn't know anyone, so I got his number...you know, to be his "friend":) Very cool, very nice guy.
Kept drinking and drinking and had my bewbie grabbed twice by two different people. They said they couldn't help it (one was a friend and one was a girl...now normally I'd probably get pissed, but I was in a great mood).
Then my friend wants to leave because she had to catch a plane at 6:45 am this morning. Damn...I gotta go. Get my tab and it's $12...damn I love dollar drinks!
Then, my other friend and I get dropped off and decide we're gonna go back. We were having so much fun that we went back.
In a matter of the 10 minutes since we had left, the place was was like a tin of sardines. I mean, no joke. It was insanely packed.
I didn't have any cash (only my debit card, and I didn't want to start another tab) so we found some guys who wanted to buy us drinks.
Had some drinks and then realized that since we couldn't even move, it was time to go.
Went home and passed out.
Woke up around 6:49 am (alarm went off at 6:40 and I had already pressed snooze once). Had to go to the bathroom and get some water.
Went back to bed until 7:25 am (hey, I still had some snoozes left)
Took my drag ass forever to get ready and didn't have time to eat...but I was starving!!
Had to go to the newspaper to get tear sheets for our meeting. Saw a guy with a partially amputated leg with a wheelchair. But he was not sitting in it, he was facing it, bad leg in the seat, using the other leg to skateboard push it. Interesting really.
Got to work and was really sad that I had an appointment I forgot about.
Good thing was...she brought breakfast!! Menudo, tacos, and burritos...oh my!
Everything was turning out ok until I tried to activate my new Cingular phone. Neither phones were working and then I finally get the new one going (after being on the phone w/Customer I don't Care for an hour) and they tell me...oh sorry, forgot to mention that you're ficked. You can't get any numbers off your old phone. WTF?!?!?!?! They didn't tell me that earlier. I'm screwed. Business contacts, personal contacts, people I want to have personal contact with!! And the cutie from last night...he didn't get my number b/c he didn't have his phone on him!! I'm so pissed off right now.

So, I don't know why I felt the need to give you a play by play, but there it is. In a nutshell, I'm hungover, tired, and now...pissed. But at least Cinco de Mayo was fun!

Feliz Cinco de Mayo

I just want to give a shout out to all my Mexi-peeps on this holiday of holidays. In honor of this día de fiesta en Español, I'd like to share with you guys my favorite Spanish phrases, practiced throughout my high school years in Juarez, México. This was a typical night.

• ¿Por qué necesitas mi ID? Soy dieciocho. (Why do you need my ID? I'm 18.
• Compa(dre)...una cerveza por favor. (Friend/Bartender...a beer please.)
• Necesito fumar un cigarrillo.(I need to smoke a cigarette)
• Déme un shot (pronounced as spanishly as possible) por favor. (Get me a shot please)
• ¿A donde está el baño? (Where is the bathroom?)
• Voy a vomitar. (I'm going to vomit)
• ¡Mas tequila! (More tequila!)
• ¡Aquí vienen los polis! Corrale!! (Here comes the police! Run!!)
• Tengo hambre...quiero tacos! (I'm hungry...I want tacos!)
• ¿Es este gato carne? Es bueno. (Is this cat meat? It's good)
• ¿Quién puede manejar? (Who can drive?)
• ¡La línea en el puente está tan de largo! (The line on the bridge is so long!)
• Voy a ser atrasado para mi toque de queda! (I'm going to be late for my curfew!)
• No señor, no soy barracha. Soy Americana! (No sir, I'm not drunk. I'm American!)

So there you have it...a typical high school night for me huevos rancheros style. Speaking of huevos rancheros and also in honor of Cinco de Mayo...I would like to give a shout out to my fave Mexican dishes.

Huevos rancheros... who loves ya baby?!

Chilaquiles... mm mmm mmm!

Machaca... oh how I love your sweet, sweet meat.

Ceviche...something fishy this way comes.

Menudo...where's the beef?

Green Chile Enchiladas...ooh, Spicy!

Chimichangas...fry 'em, fry 'em, and fry 'em again!

Sal picón... words cannot describe how much I adore you.

And last but definitely not least...my little Mexican bebidas...how you've gotten me through life:)

Jose Cuervo

Patron

Margaritas

Corona

Dos Equis

Pacifico

Joaquíns

Micheladas

Sangria

Mexican Flags

So kids...go out tonight for Cinco de Mayo, have some Chimichangas, drink some Micheladas, and vas a vómito!!

flibbertigibbet

This word keeps pooping (ha...I had to leave it!) up in my head. I didn't really know the meaning but every so often it keeps coming back. Like a recurring dream except more like a "recurring obscure word." So, I looked it up.

flib·ber·ti·gib·bet ( P ) (flbr-t-jbt)n.
A silly, scatterbrained, or garrulous person.

n : a female fool

Is it because that's what I am? Is my brain trying to tell me something?

Listen brain, you wiseass you, that's elfed up. If you wanna say something, say it clearly so I can understand using words of which I am aware and know the meaning of. Don't camouflage your intent using verbiage consisting of lots of "b"s. Furthermore, don't you understand that by calling me that, you are inadvertently insulting yourself? I mean...flibbertigibbet means that you are scattered. What does that say about you? You pretty much control my every movement, so who's the flibbertigibbet now, smarty pants?

Hell phone

Dear Cingular Wireless (formerly AT&T),

I hate you. You are the bane of my existence. If your automated little beotch asks me one more time for my name, phone number, and last 4 digits of my social security number, I will go ballistic.

Why is it that when I need something simple done, you make it so difficult? God forbid I have some issue more complicated than how many minutes are left on my plan.

You see, I called today in the hopes that after you bought out CrapT&T, things might be a bit better. I see you kept their employees...or at least managed to find another couple hundred different idiots. Either way, you suck. Thanks for that. All I wanted was a new phone. That's it, no mas. My phone sucks terribly and I'm in dire need.

What was I required to do in order to get a new phone? Hmm...I haven't even gotten that far and have been on the phone with your Customer Care, E-Store, Financial Resposibility Transfer Dept (WTF?), and Online Order Department (which is different from your E-Store how??). I managed to finally get the account in my name. That's it.

See, every person I spoke to was either rude or stupid and frankly I have patience for neither. Unfortunately, I don't currently have the however much it costs to cancel your suckvice. You've managed to get a firm grasp on what would be my balls if I were a guy and keep me locked into this contract one way or another.

So, I'm going to keep your service with your shitty "Customer Care" reps (although you should change the name to Customer, I don't Care) because I currently am stuck. And I'm most likely going to end up paying for another phone that will suck in about 2 months. And I'm going to be pissed about it. But just know that I'm spreading the word and that I hate you. I hate your rotten, stinking guts.

Yours hatefully,
Customer shackled to your service for life

Too much drama for my mama

So, I'm in the middle of drama. I usually steer clear but I like to hear about it (does that mean I'm ficked up?) So, my friend B has been dating this super duper psycho chick. I mean, "Fatal Attraction" psycho. There have been screaming matches and cops called. You know, a real healthy relationship. So, today it all came full circle.

See, we've all been good friends for a long time. The psycho bitch (PB) is unliked by all. Not one person that has met her has liked her...without any influence from others. Well, there was a huge argument that took place about a year ago (I was not involved) between PB, my friend B and my friend T(girl). Not too long after B and T made up. They're good friends and that's what friends do. Well, PB didn't know that this whole time they've been talking. She found out today. All hell broke loose.

sidebar: I mean, my friend B is an idiot and a glutton for punishment for staying with this girl all this time and he keeps saying "Oh, I told her I don't wanna see her anymore." We all know he's full of shit. He's basically not allowed to hang out with any of his friends b/c of her. He turns off his phone when she's with him and his cell phone is like a bottle is to a baby. Super cell phone dependent.

So, she found out B and T were talking. Wanted to talk to T. Grilled her about their friendship. Blah blah blah. Then she left him for good. Hip hip hooray I thought.

Then he just called. He is freaking out hardcore. She went to where he was eating dinner with his friends. She smacked the bejeezus out of him...like almost knocked out a tooth hard. Everyone was staring (as it is a regular hang out for a lot of us, so he knew almost everyone there). Then, she gets in her truck and RAMS INTO HIS CAR! You betcha. PSYCHO!!!!

He was screaming into the phone (not at me, but to me) saying "I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm fucking scared. I mean, I'm really fucking scared. Of a chick! I'm scared of a chick!!" He was worried she was going to do something to his house. He was on his way home and scared to go. I told him he could come to my house...as long as she didn't follow him. He pulls up to his house and she's there.

She is a fucking crazy bitch.

Update: He just called back and she RAMMED HER CAR INTO HIS GARAGE! Fucking psycho crazy nutjob insane bitch. And he can't call the cops b/c of certain "things" she knows. He's screwed.

From one extreme to the other

For those of you concerned...my eyes are all better. No more pink eyes! I was actually feeling much better Friday but my friends still boycotted me. Now Saturday? Saturday was a whole different ball game.

It started off fairly well. I got up and was energized...went to the gym and had a great workout. Called my boss to see if I could come get my check. No, he says. Why? Because they didn't have enough money to make payroll. Uh...WTF?!?! That's just awesome...another reason why a new job is in my near future. Anyway, he calls back a little later and says I can get my check after all. Still, it's the principle.

Anyway, here's a time line of events:
- 1:25 pm...picked up my super duper hungover friend for beers and mexican food
- 3:30pm ...get home and water the lawn
- 3:35 pm...different friend calls, wants to go to the mall
- 3:45 pm...friend picks me up and we go to the mall
-3:50 pm...go to almost every damn store in the mall and try on clothes
- 6:00 pm...leave mall (whew!)
- 6:10 pm...go to drug store to contemplate dying my hair dark brown
- 6:25 pm...opt to color the root growth with blonde and say that when/if I do decide to make the ultimate change, will get it done professionally
- 6:40 pm...get home and begin dye process
- 7:30 pm...finish dye process and wash out in shower
- 7:40 pm... first attempt at putting contacts back in after pink eye incident
- 7:45 pm... contact mission a success, begin applying "party night" makeup
- 8:00 pm...dry and style newly dyed and surprisingly great looking color hair
- 8:30 pm... get dressed and complete all finishing touches
- 8:50 pm...meet at friends house for "party night"
- 9:00 pm...on our way to the bar!
- 9:15 pm... workin' on my buzz
-10:00 pm ... decide the bar was lame and walk down the street to another bar
- 10:05 pm...still workin' on my buzz (although I was a lot further along than I thought)
- 12:00 am... pretty much drunk after many drinks (when I drink liquor I tend to drink too fast). Talking about nonsense to friends I haven't seen in a while (some topics...ghosts, feet, my cell phone??)
- 1:30 am...many of my friends have left (the ones that came with me anyway) end up leaving with some other friends.
- 1:45 am...get to my friend's house and what's that? a party? oh, ok, let's go.
- 1:50 am...go to a party and there are some randoms and some people I know (I am pretty much wasted)
- 2:30 am ... once again talking nonsense to people I haven't seen since grade school (crazy)
- 3:30 am...attempt to get up to go to the bathroom and stumble, almost busted my ass, and someone(?) caught me? I hear "sexy" and some other guy go "yeah". WTF?
- 4:25 am...time to go home. This guy says (and he was actually cute) "You should just stay." Uh, ok guy, sure I'll stay here with you. I don't even know you. Yeah, no thanks...even though you're cute.
- 4:45 am...stumble in my front door (after confirmation that I was in fact going to make good on my promise to attend the wine/blues/jazz festival at 1:00 pm the next day)
- 4:50 am... get home, realize I lost my phone and an earring?... pass out.
- 9:30 am... awakened with a start for no reason. Feel like head was pummeled with a large hammer of some sort. Take 1 Ibuprofen 800.
- 9:45 am...realize I am dying a slow, miserable death. NO Ficking way am I going to an outdoor festival in the hot sun to drink! I can't even sit upright.
- 9:50 am- 12:35 pm...my friend and her brother called me about 30 times during this period. My friend didn't want to go b/c she was almost as hungover as I was and her brother is the one we made the promise to. I was lying on the couch, semi-comatose, trying to choke down water and crackers.
- 12:40 pm...receive threatening phone call saying I better get my ass in the shower and get ready because I'm going
-12:42 pm...get in shower.
-12:44 pm...realize I probably am dying and get the urge to do the technicolor yawn. That was it...I had no time to plan. Threw up in the shower 4 times. Knew I was dying at that point. Noticed that the ibuprofen I had taken hours ago was still whole and in the bathtub. Gross...sorry. I figured the ibuprofen on an empty stomach was NOT the way to go.
- 1:15 pm...go to friend's house to meet and be chauffered to the wine festival
- 1:30pm...everyone meets at the house and no one is in as bad of shape as I am
- 1:45 pm...realize I am damn funny when I'm on my death bed as I keep coming up with little remarks that are making everyone laugh (no, not pity laughs...at least I hope not)
- 2:15 pm...get to the store for beers on the road and purchase a bag of Funyuns (don't ask...I haven't had those in years!)
- 2:45 pm...arrive at festival and begin to consume margaritas with shots of Rojo Loco (red wine of some type). Spend lots of money on drinks, a corn dog, curly fries, more drinks...and finally water. Went through waves of terrible and good feelings. Had fun, then was miserable...fun then miserable...and it went on and on. Finally, I couldn't do it anymore. I was on the verge and it was time.
-6:00 pm...We left and as soon as I got in the car with some AC I was MUCH better. Drank hot beers in the car...finished off funyuns (when I'm hungover, food is the greatest thing ever, once I can get it to stay down).
- 6:30 pm...decide we need some Mexican food (yeah, more food). Go to eat. My friend B decides to shove a whole sopaipilla in his mouth. Laughed uncontrollably for about 10 minutes.
-7:00 pm...B and E drop me off at home. I call my friend (who didn't do anything this weekend and feels fit as a fiddle) and B and E are at her house. Why did they drop me off then? They want me to come over.
-7:03 pm...(she lives really close) get to T's house and hang out. Laugh about stuff for like 30 minutes. Decide to go to B's house.
- 7:40 pm... get to B's house and hang out. Watched "Family Guy" and "American Dad"...laughed.
-9:10 pm...go to T's house and get in jacuzzi. Relaxed and relaxed.
- 10:15 pm...go home and (finally) pass out.

It was non-stop this weekend but I had a blast. I've never laughed so hard. So, that's it. Now I'm just dead today, but I think I'm gonna live.