Conjunctiv-EYE-tis

Conjunctivitis symptoms:

• Mostly both eyes are affected, but often one starts before the other.
• The eye is red, with the blood vessels over the white of the eye more visible and swollen.
• The lining of the eyelids also looks redder or pinker than usual.
• The eye is sticky, with a discharge, which is worse when you wake up.
• The eye is itchy or painful.
• Sometimes people do not like to be in bright light (photophobia).

So ladies and gents, it's official and it's disgusting. Sorry. Actually, since I have no medical insurance as of yet (my company requires you to be employed for SIX months before you're eligible...highway robbery) I was going to go to an urgent care facility.

I had gone to our local pharmacy to inquire as to whether or not there was an OTC remedy for my ailment. No such luck. I called the urgent care facility and was told that the office visit would be (drum roll please) ....$185.00. WTF?!?! Umm...I'm sorry, but I'm poor and now I was screwed. Then, like a lightning bolt, I was hit with the recollection that mine friend had this not a month ago!! Hallelujah, I spoke unto myself! I called her, and called her, and called her. But alas, got only the voicemail. So, I opted to lay down and close my eyes.

Then, like a beacon, I see the little blue light on my phone illuminated...hark, the phone is vibrating and it is mine friend. My savior!! She has a full bottle of eye drops that she never used!!!! I was saved.

"Two drops in each eye every three hours" she advised.

Anything, anything you say to rid my eyes of this terrible infection. It would still be contagious for another 24 hours or so. I wasn't to be in the presence of anyone during this time. Damn, that means no work on Friday (today!!). That also meant that I couldn't go hang out with my friend at her house for beers and jacuzzi-ing. DAMN, I was jealous. Brand new jacuzzi with over 80 jets and I wasn't allowed because of my conjunctivitis. So, I opted for beers and "Under the Tuscan Sun" on one of the gazillion movie channels I had.

My eyes were almost instantly better. Woke up this morning...eyes opened easily! No problem! Of course I thought, "Well, I'm probably still contagious...so no WORK!" And I didn't go. I'm not there. I'm relaxing at home. Eyes all cleared up (like a miracle!) and I get a 3 day weekend.

So, that's my story. The story of conjunctivitis and how it can both hinder and help you at the same time. Let this be a lesson to all. Beware the pink eye!!

I am sofa king we todd did

I think I'm going to start off every post with an account of the previous night's dream. I don't get it. I mean, I never used to remember my dreams, but now, every morning like clockwork I wake up and have a vivid memory of what happened in my dream. My friends and I were somewhere in California (not Hollywood or anything....like Corona or something) and there was this party. So we're mingling and this guy comes up to me...totally hot...and starts talking to me. He says "I'm (don't remember the name he used)." I looked at him blankly. He says "You know, MCA from the Beastie Boys." I was like, no way. Now, I know Adam Yauch isn't super hot, but in my dream he was. And he was a Beastie. And we were cruising the party, all my friends were like "Holy shit" and then MCA and I went into this crazy room where one of the walls was this vortex looking thing. MCA said "Yeah yo I know this kid"(oh sorry...Paul Revere slipped in there)...he said "You know what that is, right?" Uh, no...but it looks bizarre. So he jumps into it and it spits him right back out...but he's not MCA anymore. He's now Matthew McConaghuey. Everytime he jumps up against that wall...he's someone else (super hottie famous guys of course). I guess it had to do with me watching "Blade:Trinity" last night. Who knows. Damn, that was a good dream.

SO, when my alarm went off this morning...catapulting me into the real, awake world I realized I couldn't open my eyes. (This is gross, sorry) So, I'm sure everyone at one point in their lives has had pink eye. Well, that's what this was like. I could see b/c of all the crap that had built up while I slept. My eyes were that watery red. I didn't feel like pink eye (like I was blinking sand) but it looked like it. And I had that eye crap that felt like it too. As I'm sitting here, they are better, but there's still a slight blur. I'm sure you guys are super happy to hear this, it so much funnier than mismatched shoes (sarcasm, folks).

So, I got this email today for a job in Houston. Director of Marketing. Seemed pretty sweet actually, except for the fact that it's in Houston. No offense to you Houstonites (or Houstonians or Houstoniacs, whatever) but I don't really like Houston. The weather sucks ass...I hate humidity. I don't think I could do it. I've been there twice and both times it just seemed crappy. I could be wrong. Anyone out there have any Houstonisms that might make me change my mind and take this $80K-$90K a year job? That's pretty appealing right?

Now, it's not like I exactly have the job or anything...I have to send in this "personality" type test ie. writing sample from a website they directed me to. I'm guessing they do some kind of writing analysis to determine what kind of personality you have....do you cross your "t"s at the top or bottom, do you loop your "o"s and do they reach out to the next letter? They specified "unlined" paper, so I'm sure they want to see if you write slanting up or down or straight across. How much do you think they can learn about a person from a handwriting sample? I know they use it in criminal cases, so maybe alot. I wonder, is my writing going to make or break this for me? Well...I'm curious, have any of you ever had to do this and if so, how did it turn out?

Oh, and just for Wally, so he'd have something funny to read...this morning as I got to work there was this man walking towards me. He waves, I wave (confused b/c I didn't recognize him). He's talking as he's walking towards me, so of course I say "What?" He keeps talking, I keep saying what. He gets closer and I walk right up to him. He gives me this strange look and tries to get around me. I notice that a) he was waving at the person behind me and that b) he was talking hands-free on his cell phone. He looked at me like I was "we todd did" and just kept on walking. Man, I'm batting 1000.

One of THOSE days

That's what I'm having today. I woke up this morning in a total fog. I had another weird dream about this living, bubbly rash that kept appearing and disappearing on my friend's face (in the dream of course). Everytime I'd mention it, it would disappear. Strange. Anyway...so my questions for you all today are:

Have you ever had one of those days...

Where you're in the shower and you condition your hair first and then realize that you hadn't even washed your hair?

Where you're in the shower and you can't remember whether or not you just washed your hair?

Where you get out of the shower and start to towel dry your hair and realize you never washed out the conditioner?

Where you search and search for the trusty black pants that serve as a backup plan for these kinds of mornings and realize that you had already laid them out and you just kept overlooking them?

Where you can't remember if you put deodorant on yet and so you end up triple coating the armpits?

Yes people, that was my morning. I got to work and realized that I had on 2 completely different earrings, I had toothpaste on my chin (gross), was wearing sandals when most of the nail polish on most of my toes is chipped or completely off, I left my cell phone at home, I brought my digital camera but forgot to put the battery back in it (I need to take photos today), and last but not least, I managed to set my coffee (in one of those plastic/foam cups) on a thumb tack which punctured a tiny hole in the bottom of the cup so that the coffee just started squirting out and all down the front of my white shirt.

And that, folks, is my day thus far.

I got tagged....now you're it

Well this actually started with Ogres View, Blue got tagged by CindyLou, and I got tagged by Blue. These were toughies.

So here's how it works. Immediately following there is a list of 22 different occupations. You must select at least 5 of them (feel free to select more). You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select 5 of the items as it was passed to you). Each one begins with "If I could be..." Of the 5 you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession.

Once you're done you point this meme at three (three) people you think will be cool with putting in a good two cents on it. Don't forget to add a profession to the end of the list with a link to your meme!

If I could be a writer I would love to ANY kind of stories. It's been my lifelong dream to be able to write freely and not have to worry about being interrupted by "work". I have random ideas constantly, and totally unrelated and I have a feeling that somewhere down the line I might actually get to accomplish this task. At least I hope so.

If I could be a professor, I would teach Creative Writing. My own CW professor inspired me and gave me the criticism and praise that I believe brought this idea to mind. To be able to express yourself through words is one of the greatest things and how many budding writers get the courage to take the plunge into writing. No grading, no structured tests, just free writing and sharing of ideas.

If I could be a psychologist I would definitely be a criminal profiler. To be able to get into the minds of the criminals in this world and try to figure out how they think and why they think the way they do...well that's why I went to school for psych in the first place. I want to be on the crime scene, to examine evidence, all of that stuff.

If I could be an innkeeper I would own a B&B out in the countryside, away from all the noise and distraction of the city. Somewhere where I could live in peace and share a little of that peace with all the visitors to come my way. Seems like such a worry-free existence.

If I could be a chef, I'd work in a 5 star restaurant in New York. Preparing exquisite dishes worthy of the greatest palette. Spending my time creating new and exciting dishes for anyone and everyone who wanted a taste. In my restaurant, no one would be turned away for lack of importance or status.

The List

If I could be a scientist...

If I could be a farmer...

If I could be a musician...

If I could be a doctor...

If I could be a painter...

If I could be a gardener...

If I could be a missionary...

If I could be a chef...

If I could be an architect...

If I could be a linguist...

If I could be a psychologist...

If I could be a librarian...

If I could be an athlete...

If I could be a lawyer...

If I could be an innkeeper...

If I could be a professor...

If I could be a writer...

If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)

If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)

If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)

If I could be a business owner...(By Blue944)

If I could be an actor... (By Blue944)

If I could be an agent...(By KelBel)

If I could be video game designer...(By KelBel)

Now three of yous peeps are gettin' tagged by me. Feel free to participate in this even if I don't tag you. I think I will choose sam because he seems like he works with a lot of stupid peopple and maybe needs to fantasize about working somewhere else;) I'll choose stoli because I can't imagine what else she'd like to do know the life that she lives now! And I choose Jasika because her reasons will probably be as beautiful as her writing:)

LaRue and the Bunny on the Moon

Wow, that could totally be a kid's book title. Hmm...I might have to use that. No one steal it or I'll know it was you!

This is just a short little post to talk about some things that I was thinking about.

First off...I remember the dream that I had last night. With me, it's always dreams. For some reason, I always thought I never remembered them, but I guess I do. I had a dream that I had a giraffe. Yep, a giraffe. But she was no normal giraffe. She was a talking, smoking, cartoon giraffe. She was really cute too. And her name was LaRue. She was my counsel. She gave me advice, helped me reach things that were high on the shelves, and was my best buddy. She had this thing in her mouth that would pop out and (it looked like a machine gun??) and it would dispense cigarettes. The cigarette would come out and then the dispenser would go back from whence it came. I wish LaRue was real.

When you guys look at the moon, what do you see? Other than a planetary orb that is luminescent when the sun is gone...do you see a figure on the moon? Is it a bunny rabbit? Is it a man? How come I've never heard of the damned bunny rabbit on the moon? Has this been around forever and I've just been under the proverbial rock? My friends thought I was joking at first, and then when they realized I had never seen the bunny on the moon, thought I was completely insane. "Oh MY GOD! SHUT UP! YOU'RE LYING?! YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE BUNNY ON THE MOON? Pardon me if I the thing I remember the most is "The man on the moon". Is something wrong with me? Someone please help me out on this.

Snippets from yesterday

Ah....Monday again. No, that's not a sigh of happiness...more like a sigh of, well, acceptance. No matter how much I hate them, they always come once a week. I guess I should get used to it.

Oh, who am I kidding, I'll never get used to Mondays.

So, yesterday turned out to be an interesting day. Started off a bit slow. Went to a ceremony for my friend who is graduating with honors...boooorrriiinnnggg. But I went because I wanted to show my support and let her know I was proud. And there was a free dinner in it for me;) It was pretty cool though because I thought we were going to be there for like 3 hours and after they called her name for her to collect her honors pin, she was walking back up to the seating area and just kept on going, right up to us and said "I'm gonna sneak outta here, let's go." Awesome...I was SO hoping she would do that!

So we went and ate, drank, and were merry. It was a joyous occasion. Then, we couldn't figure out what we wanted to do. Decided to go see a movie (as of this weekend I saw Amityville Horror, Fever Pitch, and then A Lot Like Love yesterday). It was movie catch up weekend.

So, we saw A Lot Like Love and I really enjoyed it. Ashton Kutcher... damn that Demi Moore!! She's not allowed to take a dip into the younger age pool! Not fair! Yeah, I know that even if he weren't with Demi that he probably wouldn't be with me (if only because I just don't know where I'd get to meet him;) but still!

Anyway, the movie was good but it really made my friend and I bummed out. We're both going through the same situation and it's pretty difficult. At least we have each other to bounce things off of when times like this happen. But we were pretty much silent on the way home. Both of us pretty much on the verge of tears actually. She dropped me off at home and left. I stood there outside for a few minutes, just thinking about things. Then I realized if I didn't go get gas that I'd be hurting in the morning. So, I get into my car and my friend calls...sniffling. She asks if I want to go get a beer. Damn, a beer never sounded better.

So, off we go to a local dive (not a dive, dive, the kind of dive that lots of people go to because it's a chill place with about 10 pools tables, darts, shuffleboard...you name it.) We both sit up at the bar and kinda sigh, like a "Woe is me" kind of sigh. The bartender is like "You couldn't have had that long of a day, it's Sunday." Well, thanks, but whatever.

So there we are feeling sorry for ourselves and this semi-decent guy walks up to us.

Him: Hey, you wanna play some shuffleboard?
My friend T: No thanks, not really in a shuffleboard kind of mood.
Him: Are you sure? You guys look like you could use some shuffleboard (in a sing songy kind of way)
Me: Thanks, but we're not very much fun right now.
Him: Ok, well, we'll be over there if you change your mind.

So, we go about our business and the guy walks back up to us. This guy was a total clown. Very funny and surprisingly upfront. We let him know right away that we'd talk to him, but get real if he expected either of us to hook up with him. So he pitches me this idea he has had for a commercial for a long time. Actually very good and very funny. Too bad I'm not in the right industry for that type of commercial.

So, his friend comes up and he looks like a little Limp Bizkit. Introduces himself as Andrew. His friend keeps calling him Donald. I'm totally confused as to why he would introduce himself with one name but yet he goes by another? So, I just kept calling him AndrewDonald. He got a kick out of that. I was just happy I wasn't still sitting at the bar drowning my sorrows.

So then the other guy, Alex, starts talking about his kids. He says he has 9 year old and his "baby's mama" is expecting in 3 months (or at least that's what I thought.) My friend says "No, he already has a 3 month old, right?" and looks at him. He nods yes. Ok. I say "Oh, I thought you said your girlfriend was expecting in 3 months" He nod his head yes. WTF? I mean, I could tell the guy was pretty drunk and he was extremely entertaining, but he was also extremely confusing us. So, then a few minutes later he says his girlfriend is 3 months pregnant. What the hell? So we were both wrong, yet he nodded yes to both of us. The conversation after that went like this.

Me: So you have 1 kid and another on the way.
Him: Yes.
Me: And you're not married.
Him: HELLLLLLL NO!!
Me: (laughing really, really hard) How stupid of me. I mean, how absurd it is to think that you might be married since you have 1 child and another on the way.
Him: Not married.
Me: Ok, so can I ask you another question.
Him: Sure.
Me: So, do your kids have the same mother?
Him: HELLLLLL NO!
Me: (laughing even harder) I'm sorry, what a stupid question!
Him: See, my first baby mama is a lawyer...I put her through school. Then it just didn't work out b/c I didn't love her. Now, this baby mama I've been putting her through school to get her master's degree.
Me: SOO, if it doesn't work out with her, I've been thinking of going back to school to get my PhD.....I wouldn't have to get pregnant would I?"
Him: (actually seriously thinking about it).
Me: (laughing my ass off now because this is just ridiculous)

The rest of the night pretty much went like that. Him entertaining us, me giving him shit, and then all of us laughing. So, then I guess his baby mama calls and it's time for him to go home. Gives me and my friend a hug. Then looks at me and says "You need a kiss." I didn't even have time to react...he totally tried to stick his tongue down my throat! WTF? Luckily I was totally tight lipped and so he didn't get in there. Poor baby mama...if she only knew.

Disclaimer: In no way do I condone this type of behavior from a male with a baby mama at home. In no way do I ever make a habit of even knowing guys that have a baby mama and call them that. This served the sole purpose of entertaining us and getting us out of our sour moods.

What am I doing here?

Yes, it's Saturday. I know I don't normally post on Saturdays, but I had a few free minutes and thought "Hey, why not?" So, I had a blast last night at my friend's party. We drank Margaritas galore! I actually don't know how many I drank, but the caterer kept coming and filling my glass up so I couldn't have counted if I tried. His place is like a maze. It has 2 kitchens and a huge basement. I told him that if he wanted to, he could become a serial killer and bury the bodies in there. It looks like one of those basements;) Anyway...had great talks with great peeps and laughed my ass off. I checked my email not too long ago and wanted to post this b/c it really made me laugh too (no offense blue;)

The Cowboy and The Yuppie
A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenlya brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud> towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows> and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a> yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi- tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one> of my calves,"says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give> me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow!> That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business." "Now give me back my DOG."

Peace out yo!

Tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes

It's quite interesting being one of very very few females at a job. Now, normally I get along better with males because...well because we all know we're bitches, right girls? Some of us, not all of us. And those that aren't come in contact with the ones that are and are forced to be a bitch to the bitch. Anyway...so I'm in a highly male dominated workplace. The only other women that work here are receptionists or clerks...and since I'm in a higher position, then of course they are....yes kids, that's right... bitches! I'm totally nice to them and try to be friendly and smile and say "please" and "thank you", but to no avail. And I know they talk about me (in Spanish) when I leave. Whatever, I don't really care that much. I'm getting off my point though.

I've got a male bastion over here. The managers are the ones that rule the world here. They're all male. They all have this "bond" because they basically went to the same school, know the same people, all that good stuff. It's a managerial clique. SO, most of them are overweight, over 50, and overly perverted.

Now honestly, I'm not easily offended or angered. Not at all in fact. I am easily grossed out. I knew when I started here what it would be like and it doesn't bother me except for the fact that I'm thinking "Do they really think this is cute?" Let's talk about today.

I'm walking across the street to go to our daily meeting. One of the sales people is walking up behind me and says (as he puts his arm around me) "I have a proposal for you." I was like, "Uh, ok" (thinking he had some advertising suggestions or something). His response "-------". Nothing. See, that was a joke. "I have a proposal for you." Ha ha, I'm laughing so hard I can barely stand it (sarcasm, obviously). SO all day today when I'm within 50 feet of him he says it, over and over. Shut up already, it wasn't funny the first time and it's really not funny now. What does that even mean?

So, when I get to my meeting this morning I say hi to peeps and go to sit down. One of the managers pats his lap and says "You can sit here." Uh, ha ha again. No thanks. So I find a seat (in my very own chair, thanks) and another manager walks in and says "I'm going to sit by you." Whatever....I mean, there are like 50 other chairs and if you sit right by me you're really going to burst my personal bubble under your weight, but fine.

So, the meeting begins and one of the other managers says "How's everyone this Friday." There's fines and goods all over the place and me, being the ever so clever smart ass that I am, say "Well, I'm tired, a little sick actually. Have headache and I'm congested." Yeah, I know, it was really funny right;)? So the personal-bubble-popper says "I'm gonna rub some Vick's on her chest in a minute." I turn to him and he might as well have his whole head in my cleavage. He didn't even stop when he realized I was looking at him. Gross. He really is just gross.

Then, I'm sitting there and for some reason I tend to shed. I always end up with hair on my shirt...and of course you can really see it on black (as I was wearing today). I'm picking some hair off my shirt and I'll be damned if that bubble popper didn't reach over and brush my boob with his hand like something was on my shirt (I know there was nothing where his hand was). I was in shock actually. And then he laughs! That fucker.

Now, maybe I'm being unfair. A little discriminatory? If he were super hot, would that bother me? Hmmm....good question. Maybe not if that was the case, but that's just never appropriate. I know people out there will say "KelBel, that's sexual harrassment...he can't do that to you." Well, I know it is but as long as I'm not traumatized by it I can let it pass. I wouldn't venture to be in a room alone with him or anything, just in case, but whatever. Just a dirty old fat man with no restraint. I really think he's harmless, but all the same, I steer clear so I don't have to deal.

Photographs, evil carpets, and explosions on the freeway

It has recently come to my attention that people are shooting emails back and forth with pictures attached. How did I not get in on this picture passing frenzy? I'm so curious as to what all these beautiful people look like. It just makes me wonder if what I'm imagining is anything close to real. If you're not opposed, I'd be interested to get some of these emailed my way as well. I would even be willing to send you one back of my non-photogenic self.

Since I'm talking about sending pictures, our newspaper rep came into today and was waiting for my boss to get here...of course. He said he was bored so he wanted to play with my digital camera. What he failed to mention was that he was going to be spending the entire time taking ridiculous pictures of me. Then he's telling me to put on my sunglasses and stand up, take off your jacket, do this, go like this. Uh...no. Stop. Seriously, that's annoying and I really do HATE pictures. He did take one decent one though...and since it's most recent...I'll send that one to anyone who gives two craps.

On another note, I had a super nuts dream last night. I was at my friend's house because he was moving and we were going to help, and he had this huge warehouse-like room in his house. Well, we go in there and there's this huge rug on the floor with this weird looking creature on it. I was like "What in the hell is that?" He says "It's Kronos" (yes, for any of you that have seen "The Incredibles", that's where it's from). Apparently Kronos is some evil spirit thing that my friend invoked from the Ouija Board and it possessed his carpet(??) Anyway, they were friends or whatever but Kronos did not like me at ALL. Now, I know this sound ridiculous, but it was actually kinda freaky (the spirit was, anyways). Since we were helping him move, I started to roll up the carpet. Big Mistake. I mean, the evil spirit didn't like me already, but that really pissed him off. He materialized and was this huge, four-legged, all black (like cockroach black), creature thing. I freaked and took off running and it was chasing me at full speed. Everyone else was just standing around like no big deal, and I managed to jump into this cage and shut myself in. That was so freakin' weird.

And finally, I'm just curious, this may seem seriously weird or whatever but I have to know. Often times when I'm driving I can envision things happening (which never do of course) but really horrible freak accidents. For example, yesterday I was on my way home and I was behind this truck marked "Liquid Transport...extremely flammable". Well, this moron was coming up from behind weaving in and out of cars going about 20 miles over the speed limit. He hauled ass right past the truck in front of me and cut him off. That of course made the truck slam on it's brakes and then me, and the person behind me, etc. I managed to stop within inches of that truck but the whole time I could see the scenario actually happening in my head. First, the truck jacknifes and I slam into it, along with a bunch of other people in the other lanes. It flips and there's this huge explosion taking out the driver, myself, and all the other motorists within miles. I see stuff like this in my head all the time. Am I ficked in the head or does this happen to other people too??

Guess I'm in a weird mood today?

Classified

This could also work:

Single White Female in her 20s seeks terminally ill elderly man for short-lived (hopefully) relationship. Preferably wheel chair bound with impotency problem. Also must not be eligible for Viagra (or other ED) prescriptions. Must be as close to death as possible and easily influenced to change his Will with a simple flash of nay-nays. Must be worth millions of dollars and be willing to forsake all others and leave all pricy possessions to me. If interested, call or email me.

Yeah...I'd never do that, but this is sad stuff right here. I'm currently working on a solution ie new job. We'll see what I can do!

Now taking applications

Just print and fill out.

I'm not going to sell my body

So, I've been thinking about this for awhile. I mean, it's ridiculous really. I'm 29 years old, I have a BA in Psych and an MBA and I make less than a teacher does. What the hell is going on? I thought when you got your diploma that read "Master's of Business Administration" that there would be a guy standing next to the guy that handed me a diploma offering me at least a $100K a year job. That's what they make you think anyway. Where did I go wrong? I was promised $10K more a year after 6 months at this job right now... did I get it? NO. Did I get anything? NO. Is my boss a lying flake? YES. Is this getting off track? A little bit.

Anyway, I need to figure something out. See, with my ginormous school loan payments, my car, and all the other fun bills...I have enough left over for gas and some food sometimes. What in the hell can I do about this? I am looking for a new job, but right now I'm totally broke. Here are some ideas I had for making some money(legally, that is...no selling my body or "substances of the illegal nature"), I need opinions or other suggestions (because these all suck):
1. Buy some spray paint and a stencil and go around painting addresses on people's curbs (as it is required that they have this).
2. Get a night job bartending somewhere
3. Pawn anything of worth that I own
4. Have a yardsale to get rid of anything that isn't of much worth that I own.
5. Go get paid for giving plasma.

Help. I am SO at a loss. I mean, I really just need a better job or a job that pays me better. How did I end up here? This just sucks a big toe.

Why I'm happy I'm not married.

Why I'm happy I'm not married

by

KelBel

I'm happy I'm not married because this weekend I witnessed firsthand what marriage can turn into. I know there are marriages that work, and work well for that matter, but holy crap in a bucket my friends are in some BAD marriages.

You see, I have one friend here whose husband has cheated on her at least twice...because those 2 times we caught him (oh yes, men, women will find out). They have 4...yeah 4 kids together. She's 28, has no skills, no job, and no money without him. She won't leave because she wouldn't survive. I don't really give a crap because I would frickin' leave in a heartbeat....of course, I would never let myself end up in a situation like that. He makes a boatload of money so she'll be set forever.

I have another friend that came into town this weekend with her husband. She's always been a little nutty and I guess so has he. She's like the devil and he's one of those little imps that the devil makes do his dirty work and controls them. Oh man, I felt bad for him. She was ordering him around and giving him dirty looks. She would look at him and tell him he was an idiot. Once we started drinking, it got worse. She would look at him with this disgusted look on her face and tell him he completely grossed her out. He just took it. He also has a boatload of money and she doesn't work.

The two couples were competing. It was crazy. If one of them had thought about buying a BMW, the other had thought about a Mercedes. If one had a $350,000 home, then the other had a $400,000 home. I just thought "How about wanting to have the best marriage...about being the happiest?"Nope, it was..."We're getting ready to go to Jamaica." "We're going to buy a second home in La Jolla." I was just happy I wasn't them. No matter how much I bitch about being poor, I would rather be poor and happy and single than rich and miserable and in a bad marriage.

Myself and my best friend kept repeatedly thanking baby jesus that this wasn't us. Next time I'm thinking I want to find someone, I just need to remember this. I don't want to end up like these people, ever. Don't get me wrong...I'm not opposed to marriage and I don't think everyone ends up like this. But for fuck's sake patrick, I'm in no hurry to meet someone and tie the knot. Not if I'm not 100% sure. I wanted to get married before and think "Thank goodness I didn't" because I'm not even with that person anymore. Where would I be now?

The End

P.S. Has anyone ever gotten up on the roof to help their parents hook up the AC in 90 degree weather with a MASSIVE hangover caused by the effects of beer, margaritas (lots!), vodka and red bull (lots!), tequila shots (2), more beers, more vodka red bull, and then vodka sodas? Let me tell you, if you have never done this...don't. I was standing on the roof, liquor-scented sweat literally pouring down my face, and wondering exactly how bad it would hurt if I lost my balance and plummeted to the cement. Not kidding...do not, I repeat, DO NOT try this at home.

I'm official

So yes it's Friday again. That's good news. Of course, every other thing I can think of right now isn't the best of news. Well, I have a game called "What good luck...what bad luck" that I'm going to go ahead and bestow upon you right now. I know you probably don't want to hear it. I'm sorry, but guess what....?

What good luck: Today is Friday
What bad luck: It's tax day and I owe the IRS hundreds of $$$s.

Now, the above is an example, thank goodness I don't really owe them shiite.

So, here we go fo' real.

What good luck: My boss isn't in the office to bug me.
What bad luck: He's calling me every 5 minutes with annoying questions.

What good luck: The end of the week is the easiest because all the ads are done for the weekend already.
What bad luck: This week the owner gave me a ridiculous, time consuming, research laden task to complete and I want to kill someone right now.

What good luck: The weather is beautiful, sunny, 82 degrees.
What bad luck: I'm stuck inside my office where it is neither beautiful nor sunny, but is in fact also at least 82 degrees.

What good luck: I get paid today!!
What bad luck: My whole paycheck is already gone!! (yeah, those !!! shouldn't be there)

What good luck: Tomorrow is Saturday, my day to sleep in!
What bad luck: My friend came in town to baptize her baby and the baptism is at 9am.

What good luck: Only 3 more hours til 5 o'clock (is that good??)
What bad luck: I don't get off until 6 or 6:30.

Man, if it wasn't Friday, I'd be really salty right about now. Well, gotta go complete my totally pointless, time consuming, ridiculously absurd, not-gonna-be-used-for-anything-ever-I-know-it assignment. What is it call if you go postal and you don't work at the post office?? Do you go "official"?

Retaliation

Since I'm not feelin' it today, I'm posting my FF instead.

Flash Fiction as always provided by the kind people over at www.diminishedfifth.blogspot.com those people of course being one mister grimace.
Rules are as always:
250 words
Theme: compensation
Phrase for the week: came in slowly

"Damn this place! And damn this chair! And this desk! And these drawers! Damn it all! " Alisa screamed.

"Whoa, relax. Just calm down. What's going on?" Jason asked, looking puzzled and a little freaked out.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON!!! That bastard is hiring McCullough to take over as head of Corporate Affairs! All I ever did was work my ass off for him and this is how he repays me??!!!"

Alisa was beyond calming. Jason's eyes grew wide as Alisa's fit turned into a rage. Alexandra McCullough was not only the brightest star in the entire corporation, she was also the biggest bitch, and she was standing right outside the door.

Alexandra peeked her head into the office and then came in slowly as to avoid any violence that might make it's way in her direction.

"Oh, Alisa honey. Don't worry. It's not your fault that you're not as smart or as well-respected as I am. To be quite honest, I don't see how you got this job in the first place. You can go back to working your graveyard shift at the Wal-Mart...back to your own kind. That will make everyone happy now, won't it?" Alexandra condescended.

Alisa looked down and noticed the white-knuckled death grip she held on the crystal frame that displayed her wedding photo.

"Bitch, this is so worth it." Alisa snarled as she hurled the frame at Alexandra's head.

Boobie Gorillabrains

This was great. You guys have to try it and it won't give your "secret identities" away. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names.

What's your "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" name? Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy
Use the second letter of your middle name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = dippin
b = feather
c = giggle
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle
Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Fluffy Chucklefanny.

ma-ia-hee...ma-ia-hoo...ma-ia-haaa...ma-ia-haha

I can't get it out of my head. It won't stop. Someone please help me. It might be more addictive than "badger badger badger badger badger badger....muuuushrooom muuushrooom!" Although most likely not as annoying or as creepy. I'm sure you guys have heard it. The kid was on Good Morning America (does it mean I'm old that I watch GMA while I'm getting ready for work??). It is quite hilarious but I showed all my friends and all of us last night were singing it. I'd finally get rid of it and then someone else would bust out "Alo....Salut" and there it goes again. If you haven't seen or heard the Numa numa dance (click on "Watch this movie") it's great....if you dare. Don't say I didn't warn you. Also...if you wanna see Napoleon's choreographed moves to the song, go here(I found this by mistake).

Nutty as a fruitcake

Where do I even begin? Feels like so much happened this weekend, but the majority of it occurred in a liquor induced haze.

Friday
Friday night was nuts. Went to one of the local bars first, because my best friend's ex-boyfriend was the "guest bartender" there. Yep, that's right. See, he's a CFO for a huge company here and I'm not really sure what the reason for this was, but I'm guessing it's something like a mid-life crisis type situation. He has started calling everyone bitch and brutha. Anyway, it was enjoyable to see all the real bartenders running his ass off and making him work like he needs the money. He didn't get tips either.

So, after we harrassed him for a bit we went back to my friend's house for lots of drinks and for the arrival of my friend from Denver. We all hung out, my friend "M" from Denver had been drinking since 4 so she was wasted and getting more so (and she's seriously crazy sober...so you can imagine what she's like drunk). We drank, reminisced, told stories from elementary school all the way up to last year (we've all been friends forever) and finally it was time to get funky with some reggae beats.

We headed over to this crazy place downtown (we told one of our other guy friends we were going there and he said "WHAT? You wanna get shot?" nice) and I could see what my friend was talkin' about. The band came on and blew us away. Freakin' awesome. We danced, we drank, we be jammin'. Closed the place down and went back to my friend's house for more sentimentality. By this time, everyone's pretty much spent, so we head for home. Had an awesome time.

Saturday
Saturday began very, very slowly. As it took me many attempts to make it out of my bed. We had some lunch and hung out. Lazy day watchin' movies and stuff. Then, it was time to get ready for Saturday night (Sat. was the night we had planned to party...oh man). We all met up at L's house because my friend K and my other friend MM (not to be confused with M) had this video that we had never seen. It was when they first moved away from here in like 1995 and they had interviewed us all and videotaped a series of nights at my friend S's house. Holy shitballs, that thing was the most hilarious thing I think I've ever seen. Funny thing is, we would all still act like we did on the tape today. It was excellent. That prepared us for a night of craziness. Well, at least we thought we were prepared.

(aside) You see, when M from Denver and K (no, I'm not K;) get together, they're the craziest two girls I've ever seen. Often times, it gets to the point where you really can't handle it.

So, we get to the "area" where all the bars are and there isn't parking for miles. Apparently, there was a big event (boxing) at the Don Haskins center right across the street (which my friend had mistakenly said was downtown) so we ended up about a mile from where we were going. There were like 60 mph winds and we were in heels. Needless to say, we bitched the whole time we were walking.

So, we show up at this one bar and we get in, it's not too packed, and we get a table. Have a drink and then decide to move to a table outside on the covered patio so whoever smokes can smoke. All the people that were at the fight started coming over to the bars at this point. It was so packed it was ridiculous. So we decided to go to another bar across the street that doesn't usually get so packed. There was a whole section reserved for us, compliments of another group of friends we were there to meet, so we had a prime location. We started drinking, taking shot after shot after shot. Shots of all kinds of stuff and drinks galore. We were having a blast and K and M start doing the Napoleon Dynamite dance. It was hilarious.

So then K and M decide they want to go next door for shots. They tried to drag me with them and so I finally made my way over there. I get to the bar next door and see a guy friend of mine I haven't seen in about 8 years. It was great and I found out he's getting married. By the time I finished talking to him, my other friends were coming over asking where K & M went. No idea. So, we're all going to leave the bar, find them and go somewhere else. Just then, L's ex-husband shows up at the bar. He's been trying to hang out with L for awhile. None of us like the ex, but I respect my friend and her decisions. I know she's not stupid.

So, T & I go to look for them across the street (I was NOT wearing walking around shoes!) and go into all the different bars. The thing was, neither K nor M had taken their phones. No trace of them. So we go back to the bar where everyone is. Then MM and S had taken off to go look for us. MM lost S and came back to the bar. It was mass confusion. So then, M & K finally come back to the bar and they're even more wasted, if that could be. They had taken shots at EVERY bar (not to mention the 7 or so they had before that).

So, T & MM decide to leave. They take off and I go sit with M & K & L and L's ex husband. I hear M & K making all kinds of nasty rude comments about him and saying they hate him whatever. Then M calls him (pardon this phrase) a "spineless cunt" and L gets pissed. I mean, let's be mature about this. You don't like the guy, just don't talk to him and don't get near him. They were wasted and acting like complete idiots. It was a mess. So, M & K went to go get the rest of their stuff because S had it (another story) and I'm with L and the ex. They say they'll take us to the car (that's a mile away). We walk to get K & M and L and the ex go to get the car. So, we go to meet them at the car and they're gone. They left us. I call L.

She says "I left with the ex. I don't need my friends judging me and talking behind my back. I support everyone all the time (which is true) so why can't everyone just let me do my own thing."

Uh...all I wanted was a ride. I said "I don't know what you're talking about....you guys said you'd give us a ride." She said "Oh shit, sorry! I forgot!" So they come back to get us and take us to the car. SO K & M are still being annoying and drunk and we get to my car FINALLY. Then I get out and say bye and the other two are lingering still talking shit. I get them in the car and K wants to go back and have one more word. She comes back and is crying b/c she said L was mean. I said, "Well shit, I would have been too with all the shit you were giving her." She says that she was just trying to look out for her and had said, "All I'm doing is looking out for you. I just can't watch you do this." So L said, "I have to watch your fucked up relationship everyday." (Now, this is so true. K's "fiance" is the biggest piece of shit loser asshole on the face of the earth and she won't get away from him. We just have to deal with it.)

SO, M wants food and cigarettes. She can't even get up. We go into the store to her smokes. Then I take them to eat. M won't go in, she's laying in the backseat passed out. We get her food and get back in the car. I'm finally close to home and can't wait to go get into my bed (it's like 3 something by now) and M says "I'm gonna throw up, pull over." DAMN. So, I pull over and she wretches out my car door while K is just munching out on her burger (gross). M finally finishes and we get to my house and makes me stop right before I get there so she can puke again. Super fun times. So, I notice the ex's truck at L's house. Whatever...I could care less at this point. I got into my nice warm cozy bed and am on the brink of sleep when
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ
I hear my phone vibrating. It's 3:45 am. It's L. She goes off about everyone giving her shit. She's pissed, I'm half asleep. And then she says "I know you said something because you're being all quiet now. I know you. I don't want to talk to about this." CLICK.

Whaaaa? So, of course, I call her back and she goes off. I finally say "LISTEN TO ME! I was half asleep ok. I'm awake now and don't accuse me of something I didn't do. I'm not judging you. I don't think it was the wisest thing to do (be with the ex) but I probably would have done the same thing. It's not like you're getting back together with him. So relax."

Sunday
Things finally get worked out and I pass the funk out. I'm awakened by my nephew at 8 am. "Wakey Wakey!" Ugh, you've got to be kidding. My sister comes in to say they're going to breakfast if I want to go but they're leaving NOW. Uh, no...and get the hell out! SO, around 9:30 L calls and wants to go to breakfast. Well, ok, now I'm hungry. We all get up and go grunge to breakfast. I notice the puke on the side and inside the door frame of my car. We sat around and watched movies and ate all day.

What I ended up w/after this weekend:
2 hangovers
puke on my car
M's wallet
MM's phone
lost birth control pills (?)
$5

Interesting and crazy and ridiculous all rolled into a neat little ball.

Clown town- population: my sister

So, after the day I had yesterday (turned into serious serious stressed-outness) I definitely need some happy hour. It's been getting warmer here, so my house is like an inferno. Trying to get ready to go out in a rush is not easy when you're sweating from the 90 degree weather inside your home. So, I managed to get ready and go pick up my friends. My two friends get in the car (one is the bitter bossy one (on bad days...we'll call her "T") and the other is my friend who is in town w/her baby from NC...we'll call her "M"). I'm driving and the whole time they're bitching at each other. M had previously stuck up for T because she just didn't see how T could be as big a bitch as we say. Well, guess she found out yesterday. T was being bossy and telling M that she should do this with her baby and do stuff that way, blah blah blah. M was so irritated. I felt like saying "I told you so". I just told 'em we were gonna put them in a ring and just let 'em go at it. It was entertaining for me though:)

ANYWAY, so we get to the bar. We met some other friends there and we're just sitting talking and having a good time. I finally wound down. SO there's this guy standing about 4 feet away from me (and you know how you can just tell when someone is staring at you) I can feel the stare. So I look over and he's looking at me. He starts to walk up and says:

Him: Are you KelBel?
Me: Yes (totally confused)
Him: You don't remember me do you?
Me: Uhhh, I don't...think...so.
Him: I'm Jeff so-and-so, from (Big Media Company). I'm the Vice President of Operations. I met you before with (My Boss).
Me: Uh...yeah...sure...ok.
Him: You know the company that owns (radio station we are trying to advertise on).
Me: Yeah, ok.
Him: Well, I know you guys are trying to get on the station this weekend, but you owe us $5000. We've been trying to collect on this from you guys for quite some time and we've had no luck.
Me: (totally flabbergasted because everything he is saying is true...mistake in accounting or whatever) Um...uh huh.
Him: We need to get you guys to pay us or we can let you on our station. What's going on with this.

I'm just staring at him blankly. 1) Because I've already got a pretty good buzz going and 2) Because I'm totally freaking out at how much he knows about this and what the hell I'm going to say to him. I thought about it for a second, and out of my mouth comes:

Me: Are you fucking with me?

Oops. Did I just say that out loud? He looks at me for a second and then I say:

Me: You're joking right?

By this time I'm thinking that this has got to be a joke. I mean, would the VP of a big media company come up to me and say all this stuff in a bar when I don't even handle the $$? It was my buzz that was messing up my logic here. So he says:

Him: Excuse me? No, I'm not messing with you...and the President of the company will attest to that (he points across the bar).

I look to the direction in which he is pointing and there is my older sister with her friends just laughing away. Laughing and laughing. Of course, then I started laughing. The guy "Jeff" starts laughing. He's one of my sister's buddies and they just thought it would be GREAT to mess with me. It was pretty good though, I had to admit. You see, the biggest stress of my day yesterday was dealing with how to get on the radio when the ad agency we used to use never paid the media company. So, that's about the worst and best joke anyone could have played on little 'ol vulnerable me.

Needless to say, the rest of the night culminated in drinking lots of $1 drinks (wells, but who cares right?), my friend getting not 1, not 2, but 3 beers spilled on her (she was soaked and a good sport b/c she just kept laughing when it happened), seeing lots of old faces, and an 11:00 food run. I came out of it with a slight hangover, massive headache, and someone else's cell phone. Good stuff.

I am lame

You'd think it was Monday with the lack of enthusiasm and amount of boredom I'm experiencing right now. I think my brain is taking a nap. I keep telling myself to get up, to move, to go do something but my body just won't do it. And my brain won't come up with anything clever, nothing cool has happened to me, I didn't see anything amazing anywhere, basically I'm lame. And I know I'm lame because I keep telling myself that I'm lame.

While we're talking about being lame, my friend is lame too. He invites us over to his house last night to hang out, watch a movie, eat dinner. We get there and he's talking about how his stomach hurts. He doesn't think he can eat. He didn't go get a movie (which he said he would), and he's tired. Why the hell did he invite us over? To cry and moan? That's what he did, and then we watched TV and he gets up and goes into the other room. He stayed in there the rest of the time too, until we decided it was time to go. Lame.

Hmm, what else is lame? The list of things my boss gave me to do today that need to be done...ooh, yesterday. Problem is, the list is not specific. I don't have quantities or designs or dimensions...just a list of things. SO I can call these people and go "Errr, uh derrr, I dunno." When they ask me a question that is specific to our needs because my boss doesn't deem it necessary for them to have all the information yet. I think we can get an accurate estimate without specifics. Ugh!

Lame also shows up in the form of some other people I work with. We got our new "nametags" today (woohoo) which I designed and ordered. So, I'm sorting them out and the big joke today was "You spelled my name wrong." Ha ha, super funny. Great joke people. Did you guys pass around a note to each other telling everyone to come up to me one at a time and tell me that? LAME.

And last but not least, it's SUPER LAME that it's only 2:00 on Thursday.

Tennis anyone?

I was doing my photography (as one of my job titles is newspaper ad photographer) and one of our salesmen walks by and says:

You like to play tennis?

Tennis??

Yeah, tennis.

Uh, I guess so.

And then he just keeps walking. It was so random. I mean, it's not like I was carrying around a racket and tennis balls. I wasn't wearing a tennis outfit. No tennis shoes. Nothing that would even remotely hint towards whether or not I'd ever play tennis. Is it because I'm white? If I was black would he have asked me if I liked to play basketball?

He's lucky I didn't ask him if he likes to swim across the Rio Grande.

Funk day

Yep, I've renamed hump day funk day because I'm in a total funk today. I have a heavy heart and am totally wondering what I'm going to do. I know we've been through this before, but I guess the realization of letting "JJ" go is really freakin' me out. I mean, all the time I think I really want to do it. I can't keep doing this to myself, or to him now that I'm the one with the ball. It's just sad. Am I going to regret it later? What if I just can't do it right now(be with him), but what about in 6 months? What if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life? I feel so sad and I don't know what will make it better. Is the sadness because I know I have to say goodbye or because I know I shouldn't? You guys all told me you've been through something like this, did you have a happy ending? Do you regret the end you had with the person? My head is all over the place on this and it's making me a little dizzy. I can't be in limbo anymore, with the phantom boyfriend that lives in a different state. I've got an email from him, just blaring out at me and an open invitation to tell him what I want to do. The question is, what do I want? Am I just being nostalgic and wishy washy? I just always thought he was the one, and the one I end up with after all is said and done. I'm in such a funk.

Coffee or a machine gun?

Wow, what a morning! So, I spent the night at my parents' house last night because it was closer to where I was at the end of the night. My best friend has lived across the street from my parents for my whole life. So here I am getting ready for work when I hear "BANG BANG BANG" on my front door. I sat there, a bit confused, and see my mom go to get the door. At that precise moment, my phone rings and I go to answer it. Now, if there's one thing I can count on, it's that my friend knows what's going on at my house before I do. So, I pick up the phone.

Her: Hey...uh what's going on at your house?
Me: What? Why? I don't know. still a bit asleep
Her: Go to your front door. Something's goin' down.

So, I get up to go to the door and happen to glance through the window out the back door. There's about 7 men outside in the back yard with machine guns. No, you didn't read that wrong. I said machine guns. WTF?!?!?! So, I run to the front door...hair wet, not dressed yet, no make-up...and there are about 10 (what I can only assume are) agents standing at our door. My mom is talking to them and I can't really hear what's going on. I'm thinking..."I hope to God there wasn't some speeding ticket I didn't pay or something. Did I do anything weird last night?" Yeah, freakin'. Plus, I don't want to go to jail in pajamas with wet hair and no make-up.

All the while I'm standing staring at the guys in our backyard who are staring at me. I'm kinda scared to even move because I don't want them to open fire like they do in the movies and start destroying the house. So, my mom finally finishes up with them and shuts the door. I think "AH Thank God! If they wanted me they would have come in and gotten me!" Of course, I knew I hadn't done anything, but something like that'll make you think long and hard.

Turns out they were there to arrest my ex-brother-in-law for non-payment of child support. Um, now why would my ex-brother-in-law who hadn't paid child support be living at my parents house?? I mean, the whole thing was that my sister didn't know where he had disappeared to and was trying to find him. Her lawyer had just had a breakthrough, he'd said. He had found her ex-husband. Uh...can we say duh? So much for the lawyer knowing where to find him.

Let me tell ya, machine guns in the morning work a helluva lot better than coffee.

Sometimes when I'm bored...

I do the dumbest crap. I was sitting around bored and had my digital camera out. I wanted to know what a picture of my foot would look like. How it would turn out. So, I was sitting at my desk with my camera taking pictures of my foot, first with the shoe and then without. Then I started thinking how truly strange this was and that some weirdo with a foot fetish might really get off on this. No foot fetishes here, thank you.

Then, I sat here twirling my hair (as I always do, most of the time without knowing it) and thought that I'd try to tie it in a knot like on that Pantene commercial. So I'm tying a knot and pulling and pulling on it, breaking strands of my hair and pulling some of it out. I came to the conclusion that that commercial is full of shiite muslims.

Next on my list was making faces at people through my window that has what's like the one-way glass in police interrogation rooms except that, during certain times of the day, when the sun hits it just right, you can see right through it. That time was of course while I was doing it. One of the people I was making faces at looked at me funny and I realized that they could see me. Great. No more nose picking either (kidding).

I sent everyone I know a link to the badger,badger, badger insanity and I've gotten nothing but hate mail because people can't get that out of their heads. I laugh with each new "ding" of my email.

I thought while I was sitting here bored that I might actually be able to do some exercise. You know, they always say that you can exercise while you're at your desk. So, I started doing that tricep "chair" dip (don't ask me why, thought I'd get a head start on my workout) and of course, the chair at my desk has wheels. Yep, managed to let that sucker slip right out from under me and landed right on my ass. Loudly. Which caused the people downstairs to hustle up the stairs in a hurry to see what the ruckus was about. Of course, I'm still on the floor because damn that hurt. They look at me like what the hell. "I fell off my chair" was all I could manage to come up with. Maybe I should just read a book, or if all else fails, do some work.

My boss is smacking his gum (which is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves) and I might have to smack him. Peace out.

Talk about an April Fool

Damn this time change thing, really has me all screwed up today. Everything is off.

Well, Friday night was nuts. I went to this party/bbq at a friend's house and we ended up drinking way too much. I was drinkin' some beers, the beers just happened to be Dos X that my friend bought. So, I said that I'd go to the store to get him more since I was drinking his. Well, of course everyone has orders when anyone mentions they're going to the store so I ask for a volunteer to accompany me. That was my first mistake. Meet Shorty. He's a late 30s-early 40s guy who just happens to be an uncle of one of my friends. Now, Shorty is on his second marriage and his wife doesn't even live here. Hmm...strange no? So anyway, Shorty happens to be at my friend's house because...well I guess because he's known all these guys so long that he's kinda like family. Shorty volunteers to go to the store with me. It goes a little somethin' like this.

En route to the store:
Shorty: Oh man, I'm already wasted. I should have driven so I wouldn't get car sick. (WTF??)
Me: just shake my head, can't dignify with a response.

Arrive at store which also contains a McDonald's (remember, party included BBQ)
Me: We need to get some Dos X, Bud Light, Heineken, and 3 packs of cigarettes.
Him: Ok, well I'm gonna go get a sandwich at Mickey D's really quick.
Me: Sure, I'll just carry 2 twelve packs and a six pack, no problem (as he's already at the counter ordering food).

Then I realize they have no Dos X at this store. Crap. Because that's what my friend drinks. So, I decide I'll just go to the store across the street and see if they have it. In the meantime, I get the other beer and go to the counter. I pay for everything. Then I tell Shorty they have no Dos X and we need to go across the street.

Him: Nah, fuck that. Just tell him they didn't have it. Screw him, he'll drink what he gets.
Me: Well, I'm driving, I drank that beer and I'm going to check and see if they have it across the street. Relax.

We get in the car and go across the street. I tell him to stay in the damn car and eat his sandwich. I go inside, still no Dos X. I call my friend and tell him they don't have it and he says that's ok, to get Corona. By this time, Shorty has come into the store mouthing off again. We both grab a 6 pack and take it to the counter. He asks the cashier if they have cough drops.

Cashier: Yes, they're right next to her, then to me he says Can I see your ID?
Me: Sure, here you go.
Cashier: to Shorty Can I see your ID?

Now, I don't know if this is how it is everywhere, but if you touch the alcohol, they have to card you. Bottom line.

Shorty: What do you need my ID for? For Halls?!
Cashier: No sir, I just need to see your ID. I wouldn't ask you for it if I didn't need to see it.
Shorty: Well, you don't really look too bright. I figured you were just stupid.

I've never been so appalled and embarrassed. I felt so bad for the cashier and I apologize to him as Shorty hands him his ID. There's a guy (younger, about early 20s) standing behind us at this point.

Guy behind us: Hey man, give him a break. He's just doing his job.
Shorty: Was fuckin' talking to you man??
Guy behind us: No, but I'm fuckin' talking to you now.
Shorty: This is none of your business loser.
GBU: I made it my business now. I can understand how you'd be upset when he carded you though. I mean, you're what, 50? You've got gray hair and you're like 4 feet tall?
(Now I'm laughing because that shit was funny.)
Shorty: Fuck you man, I'll meet you outside!
Me: Uh, no, there'll be no meeting outside tonight thanks. I just want to get back and enjoy the rest of my night.

So, we go outside and I'm getting in the car. I turn around and Shorty is just standing there in front of the car.

Me: Get your ass over here and get in the fuckin' car. I'm serious.

He gets in the car and I'm shaking my head.

Him: You're pissed at me now huh?
Me: You just an ass...I don't care though. As long as it doesn't affect me anymore.
Him: I'm sorry, I guess I do have a Napoleon complex. I just get mad easily, especially if I've been drinking.
Me: Good for you. Sounds like a personal problem to me. Just make sure that next time I'm not there for you to embarrass.
Him: Don't tell anyone I acted like that ok?
Me: Ok, whatever yeah right.

We get back to the party and of course the first thing I do is seek out my 3 best friends and tell em the whole story. I'm sure he knew because later he starts to tell the story to other people. Of course, he's telling it all wrong and making himself not look bad. By the end of the night everyone knew the full story and Shorty felt like a moron. I don't know if he thought that little escapade bonded us or what, but he kept trying to hang out w/me the rest of the night. I finally had to say "Get away from. Damn, aren't you married?!" I think that did it. What a freak.

Miss Kitty...what are you on?

I have no words for this.

Jacko on the run!

Oh man, I just heard on the radio that Michael Jackson has made a run for it. Guess the sucker really is guilty. Why else would you run? Apparently he didn't show up for court and when court officials inquired about it, one of the people that works for him said he fled! They've got cops in California and Arizona on a manhunt. I can't believe he fled! They just had a lieutenant Dan O'Neill at a press conference talking about Michael heading towards Mexico ala Nogales, AZ. Apparently they got word that he was armed and attempted to commandeer a vehicle in order to travel more inconspicuously. Wow...so I looked it up because I wanted to read more about it. Check it out!!