Thursday, January 26, 2006

Well, my mother passed away yesterday afternoon. I know she is in peace now and has no more pain, which is comforting but I can't even describe what this is like. That's all I can really say right now, but wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Friends have really helped me get through this and I do consider you all friends. Thank you.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Nearing the end

Well, they've taken my mom off of every medication except morphine. They're giving her as much of that as she can handle I think. I don't know how much morphine is ALOT of morphine, but she's getting about 20 mg/hr. When she first went into the hospital, I think they were giving her 4? I know she's getting alot, which is good because the goal is to make her comfortable.

Of course, we don't know how much time she has left...but I'm guessing it's only a matter of days. It's just so hard to watch it happen when I know how she wouldn't want people to see her like this. She was always made up, with her hair all cute and a cute little outfit. I know she wouldn't want people seeing her like this. It's so frustrating.

As for me, it's really hard to go about my life when all of this is happening. I have no choice really. I mean, I have an interview tomorrow and I have dental appointments and it all feels so insignificant. I'm sure that's how most people feel during a time like this, but it's so surreal.

I'm just completely in limbo right now. I feel blessed that I had all the time to spend with my mother after I lost my job. But now, I'm up shit creek without a paddle because unemployment is gone and my current waiting job can't cut it alone. I'm looking harder than ever, but at the same time...how much motivation can I feel when all this is going on? Rock...hard place...me in the middle.

I know I'll get through this and things will turn out ok....but it's so hard to see all the way to that point from where I am right now. Thanks to everyone again for caring so much.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Not getting any better

Well, things are not getting any better....as a matter of fact they seem much more bleak now.

I've come to terms with the inevitable. I mean, of course I will be devastated when it happens, but I know it's going to and she will no longer be in pain. That's what's killing me. Just sitting there day after day watching her moan in pain...even in her sleep.

It's too hard on my dad too....DB said in my comments on the previous post that you find yourself wishing it would just be over for your own sake as well as theirs. It's true, and I never thought I'd feel that way. I mean, she's mom...mom's are invincible right? We always think that way until something like this jabs us in the kidneys and wakes us up to real life.

I guess one of the biggest things is that she's not going to be around for my wedding or to see my kids. All of my siblings are (or have been married) and have children. The grandkids have gotten to know her and it's just sad that mine won't ever get to know what a wonderful grammy she is. Yes, I know that I can keep her spirit alive for them but it's still so sad.

I don't really know how much time she has left but I don't think there's much. In the meantime, I'm just sitting at the hospital picturing her as I've always known her and letting her know that I'm there and how much I love her. It really is just.....I don't even know the right word to use here....rough? unbearable? torture?

Thank you all for your very kind words and thoughts and prayers. It means the world to me. I'm not the most vocal person all the time, so this is the place where all of this comes out. Alot of this stuff I haven't even said out loud to anyone, so it feels good to get it out and know that there are actual real people on the other end.

I'll keep ya posted.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Hospitiful

I hate the fucking hospital. I'm tired of it. Although I'm sure my mom is much more tired and even saying I'm sick of it makes me feel like an ass.

We have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past week. Last Sunday my mom was just about on her last breath. The nurses and doctors said that it could be a matter of hours. My aunt came in town, my sister came in town, my brother and sister-in-law came in town. We camped out in the room. Her blood pressure was extremely low. Her blood-oxygen level was WAY below normal. She had so much congestion in her chest that she could hardly breathe.

This all came about because on Saturday night she climbed over the bed railing and fell on the floor. She's NOT allowed out of bed but has been completely obsessed with going to the bathroom. SO, when she falls out of bed three nurses came to put her back in. She was NOT happy and completely FREAKED. She screamed for 7 hours. They had to sedate her.

We thought it was the end and that she had given up. My aunt was telling us we needed to tell her it was ok to let go and say our goodbyes. There was alot of turmoil.

But then on Monday, my mom came out of it. Although she was on so many painkillers that she was hallucinating, her vitals were better. But then she started talking about how the nurses tried to kill her and asked every one of us how we could let them do that to her. Every new person that came in the room got the story and retelling of the story resulted in hysterics. This story was told about 4 times a day. It was extremely heartbreaking and wearing on the soul. But she started fighting...and eating again. She would wake up and make us laugh or ask if we were in the mall or what store we were in. How we pulled off getting her to the movies...her perception and reality were not there.

The doctor was hopeful and said if we could get her eating she might get to come home. We got her out of the bed and she sat in a chair for a few hours on Thursday night. Then Friday it was bad again. Backsliding. One step forward, two steps back. Crying all the time, vitals weren't great, wouldn't eat.

As of today, she was doing so-so. Ate a bit but pretty much cried all day long. Just sobbing. I don't know how people do this, I'm not cut out for this.

And all the while I'm thinking how I need to get out of there, I've got cabin fever. I need a break. And then I'm feeling like an asshole because at least I have a choice. She doesn't.

If you ask anyone that knows me, I'm one of the least selfish people you'd meet but I'll be damned if I don't feel like a fucking selfish bitch lately.

Why? Well, because she's not my mom. She's not the person that I've known all my life. She's a shell of a woman trapped in a pain wracked body. She's miserable, she has osteoporosis to a terrible degree, doesn't know what's going on. My sister (who lives in Phoenix and is really wonderful) just keeps saying we need to get her home. I think she's right, but then I think "Easy for you to say, you live in Phoenix. You're not the one who has to sit here and watch her deteriorate day in and day out. You're not the one who will have to feed her, bathe her, and change her."

Now what kind of fucked up person thinks like that? I mean, of course I will do anything in the world for my mother. I love her and she is the greatest woman in the world. She would do it for me. I just wish everyone else would stop for a second and think about not only how hard it will be for my mom, but for my dad and I as well. The more I write, the more fucked up I feel about it.

Like I said, I'm not cut out for this. I'm more of the "avoidance" type person. I don't deal with emotions well. I don't cry in front of people if I can help it. I can't stand to see people in pain. I hate to see my mother miserable in a hospital bed, stuck there with nurses she fears (even though my dad was there that night and knows they didn't hurt her) and the constant reminder that she might die. Which she keeps asking.

I would love to have her home with us. I mean, if/when she dies, I want her to be home because that's what she'd want. I just pray to God that I have the strength to do it.