Not getting any better

Well, things are not getting any better....as a matter of fact they seem much more bleak now.

I've come to terms with the inevitable. I mean, of course I will be devastated when it happens, but I know it's going to and she will no longer be in pain. That's what's killing me. Just sitting there day after day watching her moan in pain...even in her sleep.

It's too hard on my dad too....DB said in my comments on the previous post that you find yourself wishing it would just be over for your own sake as well as theirs. It's true, and I never thought I'd feel that way. I mean, she's mom...mom's are invincible right? We always think that way until something like this jabs us in the kidneys and wakes us up to real life.

I guess one of the biggest things is that she's not going to be around for my wedding or to see my kids. All of my siblings are (or have been married) and have children. The grandkids have gotten to know her and it's just sad that mine won't ever get to know what a wonderful grammy she is. Yes, I know that I can keep her spirit alive for them but it's still so sad.

I don't really know how much time she has left but I don't think there's much. In the meantime, I'm just sitting at the hospital picturing her as I've always known her and letting her know that I'm there and how much I love her. It really is just.....I don't even know the right word to use here....rough? unbearable? torture?

Thank you all for your very kind words and thoughts and prayers. It means the world to me. I'm not the most vocal person all the time, so this is the place where all of this comes out. Alot of this stuff I haven't even said out loud to anyone, so it feels good to get it out and know that there are actual real people on the other end.

I'll keep ya posted.