Is fear a factor for you?

So we decided to mess with the new-and-super-annoying-high-pitched-voice girl today at work. She's nice but seriously, imagine a combination of Fran Drescher mixed with an out of tune violin and some nails on a chalkboard...that's what this girl's voice sounds like. That and the fact that she likes to hear herself talk just about makes me want to slam my head in the walk-in door repeatedly just to drown out the sound.

So, we decided to play our own little initiation version of "Fear Factor". Granted we didn't have emperor scorpions, mutilated monkey butts, or hang gliding into a lake full of deadly pirahnas...but we have lots of food that when mixed together is pretty freakin' disgusting.

We began by slyly asking her what foods she can't stand. We all participated so it seemed we were just making conversation. We'd ask questions and she answered...so clueless the poor thing. Then we set out to make our concoction.

If you are interested, here's what it consists of:

1 little tub of creamer
1 squirt of canned whipped cream
1 table spoon of pesto
1 tablespoon of balsamic vinaigrette
8 sliced onions
3 anchovies
4 lima beans
1 teaspoon of ricotta cheese
a dash of tabasco
1 teaspoon of capers
a dash of fennel
1 teaspoon of the oil from a can of smoked oysters

Put in blender and set to "puree". Pour in a large glass, garnish with a straw and a black olive, and serve to poor unsuspecting new girl.

Ok, so we told her what we were doing but didn't tell her what was in it. Said we'd all done it (which was true except for me...I didn't have to be "initiated") and told her she only had to take 2 gulps.

Funniest shit I've seen all day.

What's so great about being 30?

As I embark upon the brand new journey of a decade, beginning today, I really thought about all the positive connotations of turning the big three-oh-no. I'm really not freaking out about being 30, not even the least bit sad really. I was actually so ready to be done with my 20s, as they were of no use to me anymore. Now I'm at the bottom of the 30s instead of being at the top of the 20s, that's better right? So, what are all the good things about being 30? Well, here they are in no particular order.

1. My sexual peak is just beginning (whereas for guys...it was pretty much downhill from 18;)
2. There are lots of people who didn't become who they are until they were in their 30s.
3. I don't have to worry about the "things to do before I turn 30" list anymore. I can relax now!
4. Thirtysomething sounds more dignified than "those twentysomethings".
5. It's the start of something new, and new is good. I feel that this is going to be it. The adventure is just beginning.
6. No matter how old I get, I'll always be the youngest in the family. And I'll always get "you're still young" and that's good enough for me!
7. Men like older women...right? Maybe I can bag some 20 something hottie who wants an older woman;)
8. People will take me more seriously now that I'm in the 30s (and I still get carded!)
9. I will not be forced to take a shot for the number of years I am in age...I mean, who can take 30 shots?
10. 30 IS the new 20!

And those are just some of the reasons I'm ok with turning 30. I actually am excited, I mean my 20s were cool, but they've obviously done nothing for me...except cause the little fine lines and few extra pounds that I have to show for in my 30s. I have a good feeling about this!

What did he just call me?

So, it's been an interesting week, suffice it to say.

On Friday I managed to drop my phone into a drainage gutter in the middle of a parking lot. The ONLY gutter in the entire parking lot of course, and I drop my phone in it. BUT with the help of three stoned teenagers and three of my friends we managed to lift the damn grate (that weighed a million pounds) and get it out. But not before one of the stoners kindly offered to crawl through the sewer to get it out. Pretty cool stuff right there.

I was walking through the parking lot of Target, I get to my car, and I hear "Excuse me." I turn around and there's this guy (around 20) standing there. Here's how the story goes.

Me: Yes?
Him: Um, are you nice?
Me: (???) Uhhh...I like to think so.
Him: Oh good! Well, I'm in this contest you see....and if I win I get a trip to Acapulco. Have you ever been to Acapulco?
Me: (already knowing that he's trying to sell me something) No.
Him: Ask me how I can win.
Me: Do I have to? Oh, alright...How can you win!!!???
Him: I'm glad you asked. You see, it's all based on points. We have to get 20,000 points and right now I'm currently at 15162 (or whatever). Ask me how I get more points.
Me: Let me guess...you sell magazines.
Him: Oh no, these are karaoke songs. You pick one and you sing it and I'll dance.
Me: Sure, right.
Him: Ok, so it's magazines. Now, how many points do I need?
Me: 20000.
Him: Oooh, smart and pretty. Do you have a boyfriend? You can rent me for the rest of the day.
Me: Uh...yeah. Ha ha. I'm not buying any magazines. I already have too many.
Him: Oh, but that's good news b/c I can renew the subscriptions for you. Do you work out or are you naturally fit.
Me: (gagging on the vomit in my mouth) Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not buying any magazines.
Him: blah blah blah (that's all I'm hearing now...cheap flattery and bad salesmanship).

It goes on like this for awhile. I finally tell him no way am I buying magazines, once and for all. So then....

Him: Well, if you're going to be rude and not buy any magazines, can you give me a ride to Walmart?
Me: No!
Him: Come on, I'm totally harmless! You can call my mom or my manager (shows me numbers on his cell phone).
Me: No, I'm sorry. I don't trust people that much.
Him: I thought you said you were nice.
Me: Yeah, I said I'm nice not stupid!!!
Him:(gets the scary look in his eye) WELL YOU MUST BE A REAL DOUCHEBAG!!!!!

What the fuck? A douchebag?!?!? When do guys call girls a douchebag? I can see bitch or whatever(not that any of those would be ok)...but douchebag? He left me speechless, but I wanted to run over his skinny little punk fuckerass. Fucker. So I drove by him, honked, and flipped him off. Made me feel better anyway.

Got super drunk off like 2 margaritas on Saturday during the day at lunch (they were PURE tequila and PURE evil, I'm convinced). Went out for more drinks. Then more. Then decided to go see Robert Randolph and Santana play. Had more drinks. Wanted to go eat afterwards because I was so hungry by that time that I think my stomach was eating itself (it felt that way). And got the slowest waiter in the entire world (who also happened to be this weirdo guy that we know kinda). He got our order all wrong, but it didn't matter because by the time we got our food 2 hours later I was so sick I couldn't even eat. Went home and managed to expel any and all contents of my stomach into the toilet. Great day, Saturday.

So, I have another interview tomorrow and that's all I'm saying. Still waiting to hear back on the group interview job (so we'll see). That's it for me. Peace, I'm outta here!

The interview

So, I had an interview with a University here the other day. I won't say how it went because whenever I say it went well....well obviously I still don't have a job, so you can see what happens.

It was a group interview...4 interviewers and 11 interviewees all in the same room. Interesting, first time I've ever had one of those.

It seems that there are quite a few Einsteins out there looking for a job too.

We had to go around the room and say who we were and say something memorable. The first few people might as well have said "I'm so and so and I'm a person." That's how memorable their statements were. It got to me and I said "I'm Kelli and I have a fascination with serial killers." I think people will remember that...and the interviewers got a kick out of it. Then everyone followed my lead and said something more interesting than "I'm Joe and you can remember me by my brown hair."

So then we do this group exercise and we had to present it to the room. I got stuck with the female versions of Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumbass. These girls were clueless. The interviewers were walking around and I'm stating my point and I can see her nodding yes and the two girls in my group say "Naw, I don't think that's right." I finally gave in, but you can bet I made my point during the presentation.

Then we have to interview the person next to us and tell the room why we think that person is good for the position. Tweedle-Dumbass is my partner again and she just wants to chit chat. I finally started writing things about me on her paper so she could read them out. She tells me she's been unemployed for 4 months and I said I was too. Big mistake. She proceeds to tell me "We should say that. I tell them you've been unemployed for 4 months and you say the same thing." UH NO! Not really the best idea. She says "Maybe they'll feel bad for us." WTF?! I had to INSIST that she not say that. Luckily she didn't.

At the end of the interview, I was the ONLY person to go to each of the interviewers individually and thank them. One of the interviewers says "Hi Kelli, it's nice to finally meet you. I've heard alot about you and have seen your resume. Good Luck!"

That's good right? And bonus...if I get the job I can go to school for free!! So I decided if this happens I'm going to get my PhD.

From now on folks, that's Dr. Kelli to you;)

Epiphany?

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND REALIZE HOW COMPLETELY INSANE IT IS THAT YOU ARE ALIVE.

Have you ever done this? Or better yet, thought to do this? I hadn't...not until today anyway. The concept may not be wholly original but for me it was. When you think about it, I mean really think about it it opens up a whole new mindset.

Depression had set in. For what specific reason? Hmm...it could have been any of the numerous reasons you may all be well aware of in my life.

It may have been a step past that. Not just "Am I going to find a job?" but "Am I going to find my dream job?" and of course what follows is "What the hell is my dream job?" What the hell am I looking for and if I find something am I going to be happy with it because every so often I take a look around and feel like no matter what, the grass is always greener?

Not just "Where do I want to be?" but "Is that really where I want to be or is it just a fleeting idea that I have right now?" I have the power to rationalize any idea that pops into my head...and then turn around again and think "That was a dumbass idea."

Not even just "Am I going to find that special someone?" but "Am I going to find that special someone here or somewhere else, and when I find them is it going to be great or just "time"?"

And these are just on the surface...thoughts that pop into my head. I have the ability to create dreams and then shatter them all inside my head in a matter of minutes, hours, or days.

Bear with me here. Then there's the outlandish thoughts. The ones where I get depressed (how sad is this) because I'm so far from being "famous" or a person who is "noteworthy"...making a name for myself in the world. Will I ever get there or just give up and settle for being "mediocre"? I've always felt that I have some bigger purpose and I'm so far from a "bigger purpose" right now that I just feel like resigning to the idea of being "eh".

So, those thoughts pop into my head...I'm bummed, start thinking about something, get excited, bring up the "what ifs", start to doubt, and then get down all over again. Mind you this is not on a daily basis and after rereading this...I think I'm sounding a bit nuts. Are we all a bit nuts inside our own heads? I just wonder what it would be like to be inside other people's heads and hear their thoughts for a bit...just to see if I'm in the majority or minority.

I digress....so the whole point of this post is "Take a deep breath and realize how completely insane it is that you are alive."

I read that today. I did that today.

I mean, I really did that today.

I sat and I thought about it. About living in general and life and all of those good things. Yes, people have worries and problems and doubts and fallen hopes and dreams and sadness....and just to be alive and feel anything at all really is completely insane. A wonder to behold. We are so complex...not just mentally and emotionally...but physically too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that all of that thinking and pondering I did today...it changed my outlook on a lot of things. I'm happy in the skin I'm in and I think I've already done great things. Touched peoples' lives. Been a great person and have lived to the best of my ability...to date. And I'm going to keep on and keep on. Just thought I'd share.