Monday, October 03, 2005

Epiphany?

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND REALIZE HOW COMPLETELY INSANE IT IS THAT YOU ARE ALIVE.

Have you ever done this? Or better yet, thought to do this? I hadn't...not until today anyway. The concept may not be wholly original but for me it was. When you think about it, I mean really think about it it opens up a whole new mindset.

Depression had set in. For what specific reason? Hmm...it could have been any of the numerous reasons you may all be well aware of in my life.

It may have been a step past that. Not just "Am I going to find a job?" but "Am I going to find my dream job?" and of course what follows is "What the hell is my dream job?" What the hell am I looking for and if I find something am I going to be happy with it because every so often I take a look around and feel like no matter what, the grass is always greener?

Not just "Where do I want to be?" but "Is that really where I want to be or is it just a fleeting idea that I have right now?" I have the power to rationalize any idea that pops into my head...and then turn around again and think "That was a dumbass idea."

Not even just "Am I going to find that special someone?" but "Am I going to find that special someone here or somewhere else, and when I find them is it going to be great or just "time"?"

And these are just on the surface...thoughts that pop into my head. I have the ability to create dreams and then shatter them all inside my head in a matter of minutes, hours, or days.

Bear with me here. Then there's the outlandish thoughts. The ones where I get depressed (how sad is this) because I'm so far from being "famous" or a person who is "noteworthy"...making a name for myself in the world. Will I ever get there or just give up and settle for being "mediocre"? I've always felt that I have some bigger purpose and I'm so far from a "bigger purpose" right now that I just feel like resigning to the idea of being "eh".

So, those thoughts pop into my head...I'm bummed, start thinking about something, get excited, bring up the "what ifs", start to doubt, and then get down all over again. Mind you this is not on a daily basis and after rereading this...I think I'm sounding a bit nuts. Are we all a bit nuts inside our own heads? I just wonder what it would be like to be inside other people's heads and hear their thoughts for a bit...just to see if I'm in the majority or minority.

I digress....so the whole point of this post is "Take a deep breath and realize how completely insane it is that you are alive."

I read that today. I did that today.

I mean, I really did that today.

I sat and I thought about it. About living in general and life and all of those good things. Yes, people have worries and problems and doubts and fallen hopes and dreams and sadness....and just to be alive and feel anything at all really is completely insane. A wonder to behold. We are so complex...not just mentally and emotionally...but physically too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that all of that thinking and pondering I did today...it changed my outlook on a lot of things. I'm happy in the skin I'm in and I think I've already done great things. Touched peoples' lives. Been a great person and have lived to the best of my ability...to date. And I'm going to keep on and keep on. Just thought I'd share.

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