My so-called love life

Since I get to hear about everyone's dating woes and dating woohoos...I thought you guys might want to hear about (the torture)what is my love life. I know I've hinted here and there about this and that, and that's only because I didn't know if could summarize this situation in less than a Stephen King length novel. I'll attempt to do it and try to keep it to a decent length.

Part I
I met "JJ" in 1998. I had gone to high school with him but we didn't really know each other. He was a senior when I was a sophomore, so we didn't really "run in the same circles". I had always known who he was and always thought he was a hottie. So, in 1998, while attending college here in EP he ends up in my public speaking class. He had been in the Air Force for 4 years and ended up back in EP. SO, first day of class we have to do a short little speech about ourselves, where we're from, the whole shebang. He hears me say what high school I went to and I guess that makes a connection in his head. He caught up with me after class and we started to talk. We'd talk in class here and there and became "school friends".

One day, we're in class (and it was pretty laid back b/c it was speech and our professor was super cool) and we start talking about drinking. My clever plan, get him to invite me out, right? Yep. So I say I can drink him under the table. Bang...I get a "we're (he and his brother and a friend) going out tomorrow night, you wanna prove it?" Of course, that was the whole point. Score.

Mind you, at this time I had a boyfriend. This boyfriend was an idiot who had cheated on me countless times and I kept overlooking it because....well because nothing better had come along...until now of course.

So, I'm at home the next night, waiting for him to call OF COURSE. And surprisingly he does. So, he picks me up and I meet his brother and friend and we go out to this bar in Juarez. They have yards o'beer. We drink many yards o'beer. He's totally cool, and as hot as I remembered. Instant clickage. Too bad for me, what I thought was a "friendly" connection was only a friend connection. Damn, so that's better than nothing right? Uh, no. Not when you're the girl that's totally in love with him and he thinks you're his female buddy.

In the meantime, I had broken up with my boyfriend because he was lame and I was more interested in JJ, even if we were only friends.

Part II
So, we were close. We were together ALL the time. We had a blast. And then he started dating this girl that I couldn't stand. And it wasn't just because she was dating him. I hadn't really liked her before. So, she's all weird and freaky and after a few months he finally realizes it. Whew! All the while I'm there for him, listening to his crap about her and dating and blah blah blah. Well, I got him into music. I mean, really listening to music and going to see live shows. We got even closer. I took him to Austin with me to visit my friend and go see live music. He says while we were at the show and he was watching me dancing to the music, eyes closed, is when he fell in love with me.

He subtly insisted on sleeping by me that trip. The last night we were there, and were on the verge of sleep, he grabbed my hand. My heart did that drop thing and then he kissed me. I was so excited but also freaked out a little. I didn't know what it meant or anything. We didn't talk about it that whole day or the drive home from Austin. Then when we got back we talked. His idea: friends with benefits. My thoughts, better than nothing right? Wrong.

So, we proceeded to that step in our "relationship". Then he met this girl who was a total bitch and he started dating her. I was furious...although did I have the right? I thought no, because I knew what we were doing and it wasn't a boyfriend/girlfriend type thing. So, I had to bite my tongue and stay away from him. Of course, our "benefits" stopped right there. It was kind of unspoken that it couldn't continue. I felt like shit and like an ass. So, after a few weeks with the bitch he realized that he didn't like her. All the while, everyone he knew had told him that what he was looking for was right in front of him (me of course). I wanted to scream in his face too...HELLO!

Part III
So, eventually he thought that everyone might be right. He asked me on an official date. Me, ecstatic of course, despite all the shit I had already been through. So, we go out and it's a little awkward because we're supposed to act like we're more than friends (ie boyfriend/girlfriend stuff). We both realize that we do want to be together, so what's the first thing we do? We move in together. What in the hell were we thinking?? We get an apartment and end up in this weird relationship and neither one of us knows exactly how to act. So we end up being polite and giving each other a kiss before we leave, etc. Stuff we think couples are supposed to do. I look back and it all seems so stupid. I mean, we loved each other but we didn't know how to act.

He got this offer to work in a bar (with all females) and of course he jumps on it. Me, I'm pretty distressed about the whole thing. We were going to move to Las Cruces, which is about 30 minutes away from here, because he wanted to finish school there. We ended up breaking up b/c he was too interested in getting attention from other girls. Nice. So, I cried and sat in our one bedroom apartment in the dark like a loser...all the while both of us kinda avoiding each other. Then, we had tickets to this concert that we had been looking forward to going to and the day of the show came.

Part IV
We went to the concert and he "fell in love with me all over again". I didn't know what it was about him and me and concerts, but I was so happy that I didn't care. Idiot. So, we moved to Las Cruces as planned and I lived with him and his brother and a friend of ours (another guy). We stayed in one apartment for a year and then our friend moved and we found a duplex that was pretty cool. Problem was, JJ was getting depressed. He was falling into a dark hole and I didn't know what to do. So I told him to do whatever it was he needed to do to get back to being him and being happy. For him, that was leaving and moving to California since his mom lived there. Yep, he left me high and dry, new lease, all the furniture, everything. So, not only was I devastated, but I had to deal with breaking a lease, moving all the furniture and finding somewhere to put it, and finding somewhere to live. Well, my parents told me to come stay with them and I decided that was better. All my friends were here and I had a support system.

Part V
SO, I stayed in El Paso. I tried to call JJ but he refused to talk to me. Out of embarrassment, or shame, or pain, or all of the above, I don't know. So I wrote him a nasty letter about how big of a coward he was and how running away doesn't solve anything. He was running from me and I knew it. He writes back and talks about his abandonment issues and depression and whatever. He also tells me he doesn't think we should talk until April (this is in January). Um, so in April it would be "all better". Ha. I was pissed but still in love and heartbroken. Then one day he calls me at work out of the blue. We talked and things seemed better with him. I should have been pissed. I should have hung up on him. Nope, my idiocy kicks in. I was determined for him not to know how hurt I had been or how sad the time away had been either. He gets my email address. We talk back and forth, here and there. Call every once in a while. Then, he wants me to come visit, hang out in Cali for a few days. Go see a concert (yeah, can you hear the death knell?) I had been working out to ease the pain, so I looked better than ever. I go to California and instantly everything, the attraction, all of it affects us. I leave there with the knowledge that I'll be moving there soon (this was May). We talk constantly and visit each other every so often. My friends and family are leery b/c they know what he's done before. I think it's different now. He's different. I move to California in December of 2001.

Part VI
Everything is spectacular...oh, except did I mention we lived w/his mom? Yep. Now, she's not a mom in the traditional sense. She was more like a buddy...a crazy buddy that had Manic Depression. Oh yeah baby. Fun times. So, things were actually really good, except when his mom would get into "freak-out mode". Then we'd suffer a bit. This went on the entire time I lived there. We went through quite a bit of crap and in the end, he broke up with me again. Just wasn't meant to be. He knew it was his last shot with me and that made it harder, but we just weren't supposed to happen. Me, devastated again, in another state away from everyone I know. Now I'm depressed. I go home to visit and they're telling me to move back. If I moved back, I'd feel like an idiot and everyone could say "I told you so" (even though I knew they wouldn't). I ended up staying in California, and living with them, and sharing a room with him, for 6 months after we broke up. I couldn't break the lease....after all that, I would have felt bad leaving them w/my share of the rent. Couldn't find a roommate and a place I could afford. In the end, I moved back to EP. That was in August 2003.

Part VII
We were both sad when I was gone. Now what? We still talked, and visited each other, and got "benefits". We did that for almost a year and then I finally thought "What the hell??" What am I doing. The last time I visited him (In August 2004) I knew that was it for me. I was done. Things were a little weird after that. We talked less and emailed less. Then he visited at Thanksgiving. It was weird. I didn't have that same longing for him and he felt it. He freaked because he didn't feel the same. I told him I was done, I couldn't do it anymore. I told him about all the shit he put me through and how I wasted too much time and too many tears on him. Now he wants to marry me. He won't give up. It actually really seems like he has changed. In the past, he would freak when anyone mentioned marriage (I NEVER pressured or even talked about it). He would go from "I want to get married and have kids" to "I never want to get married or have kids". I never knew what to think. NOW, he wants to marry me and have kids. He can see our wedding, he can envision what our kids will be like. He's being so sappy and so "girly" for lack of a better word. I can't say "How are you" without him wondering what I mean by that. Me, I'm thinking "Hey, pussyboy....grow some balls." Ok, so that's effed up but really, why now? Is it because I'm finally happy with myself and my life? Is it because I'm strong and independent now and that's what he wanted me to be all along? Well, now I'm stuck. I don't know if I want him anymore, but will I be sorry if I say it's over? What if I realize I do want him, but just not right now? So many questions in my head and after this long, drawn out history, what the hell am I going to do??

Surprisingly, I've left a lot of stuff out. Like how crappy he'd be sometimes and how shitty and small he made me feel, but I made it as short as possible. Sorry for the novella, but there it is. That's my love life for the past 7 years. I think if I found someone right now, I'd go for it. Did I just answer my own questions?